talk shows on mute’s weblog

so i finally told stephen about jay- the whole truth about him. i was really afraid to. my body got hot and sweaty and i could barely form words. but my secret… the past that i so much regret, what finally revealed.

now?

i feel so relieved. is obvious simply in the amount of times that ive talked about jay in these blogs that as much as i try to forget him, what we did still bothers me. and on the other side, i could tell that it bothered stephen that someone was there before i was. nothing had ever been spoken about it, and although there was never tension between us, it secretly hurt each of us personally.

now that the truth is out, we can both be at peace… because we KNOW what happened, we can ACCEPT it, and we can MOVE ON. it doesnt matter anymore. and neither of us will be bothered by it.

nice

It would be so easy for me to up and leave right now. Just drop everything I have going and go somewhere new. I have just enough in the bank to get a ticket whereever I want, get a job, start a new life. Who says I have to go to Tulane? I could just get regular working class job and be totally happy. In Japan, the economy is set up so a student can work a parttime job and pay for an apartment at the same time.

I live in a world of absolute bullshit.

But then again, Ill be free of all this in 2 weeks. Then I’ll be working far far away from my house, and then ill be at college. If I didnt have that as a little comfort thing, I would be very tempted to just leave home right now.

Fuck.

Old diary entry I found from March 2007,

“I miss him a lot, but I could never tell him. For the first time, I am home and he is away. He never cared when I was away. He just kept on keeping on without me. Now Ive got to do the same… I want to text him so bad right now…I want him to show me that its okay for me to text him at 4 in the morning to tell him to come home and for him to respond that I am pretty or he was thinking of me. The thing is, I could never let that show because in reality, I dont think Id ever get that reassurance. For some reason, thats not what are relationship is about. I mean, I want it to be special, to just sit there and feel loved, but I cant anymore. I want my freckles or my voice or my smile to be more important than my legs or my breasts. I want the total irrationality of buying flowers for no other reason than ‘i love you’ to be okay. But I think the reality is none of that will happen. Its all so technical. I miss how it was. I miss him. But I cant text him right now because I think Id be setting myself up for disappointment. I dont get my point. Im crying. Maybe its the fact that I dont know. Anything. And I cant wear it on my sleeve.”

Sometimes, you think you are doing the right thing. You want so badly for something to be one way taht you forget how it actually is. For me, it lasted a year and a half. In a way, I have to thank Jay… I can assure you that I’ll never be in that kind of relationship again. But then again, I dont think taht matters because the relationship Im is totally perfect- Stephen is someone that I can randomly tell I love him and he can do the same back. Someone that I can text whenever, and tells me how pretty I am. Someone who believes that sex is a sacred thing, and loves me without it.

Stephen treats me like a princess. I dont think anyone has loved me as much as he does…

I dont know. Finding that entry made me angry at myself, and at Jay. But then it made me really happy. Im happy because Im not with Jay anymore. Im happy because I feel so lucky to be with Stephen. Im happy because my past doesnt matter anymore- all that matters is where life takes us.

For anyone that may read this, Ive finally put my artwork online. Stephen encouraged me to do so, and Im glad he did.

http://harrietecb.deviantart.com/

That is where my gallery is. I also will probably start a separate blog when I have the motivation to make one… so stay tuned.

Mmm. Fathers Day.

I love my dad. He may be short tempered and complainy, but who am I kidding… so am I. I see myself showing all the same traits that he does. I deal with things nearly the same way. And when it comes down to it… We are both pretty artsy, right brained people who have the motivation enter into a highly analytical field of study. We are well rounded. My dad could answer any question I had about science or math in a split second… and at the same time there is no one I would rather had a discussion about music with.

My dad tries really hard to make sure I appreciate a wide range of things. He advocates me going to concerts, is very concerned with my academics, encourages me to travel and appreciate different cultures, keeps me updated on soccer games, TRIES to show me how to cook (I fall short on that on). When I really think about it, he has helped me expand my horizon, and he does it all by example. I am just starting to appreciate that.

Something happened today that has never really happened before. I cried at first… but now I dont know how to react.

Maybe I did deserve it? I mean… if I were a guy that insulted another guy, it might perfectly merited. Why should it change just because Im a girl? I dont know… I almost feel like I have no right to be upset about it. An eye for an eye, right?  I admit that the confrontation was my fault. I felt my dignity being threatened to I insulted below the belt. Maybe I had it coming.

They will have forgotten about it by tomorrow. Everyone else is going to let it go. Maybe I should too. He did apologize eventually…

I dont know. If anyone reads this and thinks that my family is really fucked up and I need help… dont. People in my family just have too much pride sometimes.

Love is what keeps me going. Its a general statement but so, so true. Whether between friends, family, lovers, or strangers… Love is what makes me believe in everything I believe.

I just have always felt like I am here for a reason, and now im starting to figure that reason out.

I just realized something. This entire time, Ive been throwing a fit about moving. I cant stand the idea of it and Stephen very well knows that. But the entire time… Ive been counting on him to be the bigger person. Ive been whining and complaining, and expected him to be the strong guy and tell me that its all gonna be fine. And thats unfair.

Its not just about me anymore. Stephen is just as emotionally invested in me moving as I am. I cant expect him to be able to comfort me and be fine himself. I mean, if you think about it, Im the one leaving him, whether I want to or not.

I dont know what my point is for this post. I guess I feel kind of bad because Ive been a little selfish about this all.

I feel like I fucked things up a lot today. I dunno. I’ll say more tomorrow?

this is the suns birthday. this is the birthday of life and of love and wings

and the great gay happening illimitably earth.

how should tasting touching hearing seeing

breathing- any lifted from the no of all

nothing- human merely being doubt unimaginable you?

ee cummings