Its funny… I only ever think to come onto my wordpress when i am frustrated or sad or have a problem with something these days. Its like, if im having a good time and i like how things are, why put that on hold to write about it? Whereas if im sick of things and need a place to vent, I find myself mozying over to my computer to get my mind off things, then remember I have a blog that I can use to complain to. Its kind of like screaming into a pillow. I can get it out, yet nobody will hear me. Nobody reads these blogs… so i feel perfectly find being bitter and mean on them.

For the most part I know taht my complaints arent really justified, that I should look for the good in my life… and I do most of the time. It doesnt mean taht I dont have every right to vent, especially if no ones listening.

I guess if someone were to actually read my wordpress, theyd only see the worst of me.

A Big Splash

I

AM

SO

DAMN

BORED

I just made scones. SCONES. And cinnamon muffins, but since we didnt have a muffin tray, its more like a cinnamon cake. Im almost at 3 paintings in 4 days. Im not sad anymore. Im not lonely either. Alone, but not lonely. I am just tired of doing the same things again. And again. And again. I HAVE STARTED BROWSE YOUTUBE. My room is impeccably clean. I have an amazing tan. I am a great swimmer now- freestyle and backstroke. Ive learned to cook. But MY GOD I need a little more variation in my life. 

No, I think I just need someone here.

http://artamerica.com/a4s/hoc-big.jpg

            ^ I found this today. It feels very fitting.

Back, Finally

Its been a while since I wrote something on WordPress. Its not that I didnt feel like writing, its just that I didnt have the opportunity to. I was working as a live-in nanny of sorts this past month, and when I had the time to think of what I wanted to talk about, I rarely had access to a computer. I barely had enough time to check my email every day. And before that, I was too caught up in the whole moving/packing process to feel anything. But now here I am, down in Houston. I have all the time in the world now… absolutely nothing to do.

Its weird down here. On one side, our house is beautiful and almost like a paradise hotel with the flowers and palm trees and pool and hot tub and what not. I have a very secluded room with my own bathroom and plenty of space to recreate my old bedroom. I should be so happy here- I should feel like I have no worries in the world. At the same time though, Im REALLY secluded. I cant drive, dont have canvases to paint, have no contact with the outside world, and most importantly, dont have my boyfriend around. I have been trying to keep my mind off of how lonely I really feel by keeping myself busy with unpacking and swimming and college stuff.

And thats where the dilemma is…. I dont know whether Im supposed to be busy or calm. Stephen told me I should treat my home like its a vacation. But its my home. Ive been working myself to death to make it feel like home. I could sit out all day by the pool, but then I start thinking about how I should probably arrange my desk or something. I dont know. I keep going between being busy and having nothing to do. I get anxious really easily. I dont talk much, because I know I come off as being paranoid and anal to my family. Ed’s caught on to that… he is having a blast with it.

Thats during the day. At night I just get lonely. Stephen told me about he was out with his friends, laser tagging and playing ping pong and eating at the restaurants we used to go to all the time. Im not jealous or angry with him over it…. I just feel lonely. I wish that I had something else to do. But I cant leave this house. All I have is right in front of me… I have no escape. Im so happy that he has things to do, because I know my leaving was really hard on him. I just wish I could be with him.

I dont think my mom is catching on to how Im feeling, either. Shes made comments about how her main concern is Anna, which I totally understand, since she is the one that is staying here in the long run and has to make friends and be comfortable. And her happiness really is my priority. But… she IS happy. She seems it, then I also accidentally stumbled across a journal entry she typed on my computer which confirms it.

My mom has also mentioned more than once to me on how Edward is a troubled soul right now. I dont know. Yesterday he got really mad at me because I didnt understand his question, and he thought I was being stupid about it. Then today while I was online buying textbooks, I was ignoring him poking me. He left to go into the pool and my mom said that Edward was reaching out to me and I was shutting him down. Apparently I was supposed to respond to his poking. And she tried to make me feel guilty that he was in the pool by himself, like I was supposed to drop everything I was doing to go in with him (I did the night before for a good hour). She thinks that he is so troubled and so lonely, and that I am supposed to be fine. Nobody comes in the pool with me. If I poked him he’d break my fingers.

On another note, Im concerned with my body too. I cant run here, unless I find a YMCA to go to. Even at 7 in the morning, it is unsafe to run because of the heat. I can swim, but thats about it. Edward told me I was fat yesterday when I aggravated him. I know thats just what brothers do, but this was different. This was one of the leaned in close, wide eyed, articulated, below the belt comments: “You are fat, Harriet”. I guess that I could tell from his tone of voice that he meant to really insult me by telling me the unspoken truth. And on top of that, I had the eight year old I babysat for conversationally tell me I was chubby twice. I mean, I never thought I was fat… I run every or every other day, eat well, and stay active… but maybe I am. Maybe Im just used to seeing myself in a mirror. And then, who do I ask for the truth? My mom, who is a size 14? Stephen? No, they wouldnt tell the truth.

Stephen is trying really hard to make me happy. He sends me texts and is making a care package and gave me pictures… and he has listened to me cry on the phone and rant about this place. He really is being there for me, and it means a lot. But that the same time, its not making me happier, per say. Its comforting to hear from him, but right now its just making me feel more alone. I want so badly to be happy, for his sake. But I can seem to find the strength to take things into my own hands. All the opportunities seem to be avoiding me.

Im trying to be tough. Im trying to figure it out.

Relieved.

so i finally told stephen about jay- the whole truth about him. i was really afraid to. my body got hot and sweaty and i could barely form words. but my secret… the past that i so much regret, what finally revealed.

now?

i feel so relieved. is obvious simply in the amount of times that ive talked about jay in these blogs that as much as i try to forget him, what we did still bothers me. and on the other side, i could tell that it bothered stephen that someone was there before i was. nothing had ever been spoken about it, and although there was never tension between us, it secretly hurt each of us personally.

now that the truth is out, we can both be at peace… because we KNOW what happened, we can ACCEPT it, and we can MOVE ON. it doesnt matter anymore. and neither of us will be bothered by it.

nice

So Tempted.

It would be so easy for me to up and leave right now. Just drop everything I have going and go somewhere new. I have just enough in the bank to get a ticket whereever I want, get a job, start a new life. Who says I have to go to Tulane? I could just get regular working class job and be totally happy. In Japan, the economy is set up so a student can work a parttime job and pay for an apartment at the same time.

I live in a world of absolute bullshit.

But then again, Ill be free of all this in 2 weeks. Then I’ll be working far far away from my house, and then ill be at college. If I didnt have that as a little comfort thing, I would be very tempted to just leave home right now.

Fuck.

Lucky

Old diary entry I found from March 2007,

“I miss him a lot, but I could never tell him. For the first time, I am home and he is away. He never cared when I was away. He just kept on keeping on without me. Now Ive got to do the same… I want to text him so bad right now…I want him to show me that its okay for me to text him at 4 in the morning to tell him to come home and for him to respond that I am pretty or he was thinking of me. The thing is, I could never let that show because in reality, I dont think Id ever get that reassurance. For some reason, thats not what are relationship is about. I mean, I want it to be special, to just sit there and feel loved, but I cant anymore. I want my freckles or my voice or my smile to be more important than my legs or my breasts. I want the total irrationality of buying flowers for no other reason than ‘i love you’ to be okay. But I think the reality is none of that will happen. Its all so technical. I miss how it was. I miss him. But I cant text him right now because I think Id be setting myself up for disappointment. I dont get my point. Im crying. Maybe its the fact that I dont know. Anything. And I cant wear it on my sleeve.”

Sometimes, you think you are doing the right thing. You want so badly for something to be one way taht you forget how it actually is. For me, it lasted a year and a half. In a way, I have to thank Jay… I can assure you that I’ll never be in that kind of relationship again. But then again, I dont think taht matters because the relationship Im is totally perfect- Stephen is someone that I can randomly tell I love him and he can do the same back. Someone that I can text whenever, and tells me how pretty I am. Someone who believes that sex is a sacred thing, and loves me without it.

Stephen treats me like a princess. I dont think anyone has loved me as much as he does…

I dont know. Finding that entry made me angry at myself, and at Jay. But then it made me really happy. Im happy because Im not with Jay anymore. Im happy because I feel so lucky to be with Stephen. Im happy because my past doesnt matter anymore- all that matters is where life takes us.

My New Art Page

For anyone that may read this, Ive finally put my artwork online. Stephen encouraged me to do so, and Im glad he did.

http://harrietecb.deviantart.com/

That is where my gallery is. I also will probably start a separate blog when I have the motivation to make one… so stay tuned.

Thanks…

Mmm. Fathers Day.

I love my dad. He may be short tempered and complainy, but who am I kidding… so am I. I see myself showing all the same traits that he does. I deal with things nearly the same way. And when it comes down to it… We are both pretty artsy, right brained people who have the motivation enter into a highly analytical field of study. We are well rounded. My dad could answer any question I had about science or math in a split second… and at the same time there is no one I would rather had a discussion about music with.

My dad tries really hard to make sure I appreciate a wide range of things. He advocates me going to concerts, is very concerned with my academics, encourages me to travel and appreciate different cultures, keeps me updated on soccer games, TRIES to show me how to cook (I fall short on that on). When I really think about it, he has helped me expand my horizon, and he does it all by example. I am just starting to appreciate that.

 

Stupid

Something happened today that has never really happened before. I cried at first… but now I dont know how to react.

Maybe I did deserve it? I mean… if I were a guy that insulted another guy, it might perfectly merited. Why should it change just because Im a girl? I dont know… I almost feel like I have no right to be upset about it. An eye for an eye, right?  I admit that the confrontation was my fault. I felt my dignity being threatened to I insulted below the belt. Maybe I had it coming.

They will have forgotten about it by tomorrow. Everyone else is going to let it go. Maybe I should too. He did apologize eventually…

I dont know. If anyone reads this and thinks that my family is really fucked up and I need help… dont. People in my family just have too much pride sometimes.

 

This Little Light

Love is what keeps me going. Its a general statement but so, so true. Whether between friends, family, lovers, or strangers… Love is what makes me believe in everything I believe.

I just have always felt like I am here for a reason, and now im starting to figure that reason out.