While It’s On My Mind…

Part of the reason I decided to start a blog was to give myself an outlet for feelings that I would have usually kept secretive. Even though I doubt my posts ever get read, it feels good to get secrets out. Im gossiping to a computer screen, and it works for me. Only my family knows about my sister’s problems. Only Jay knew about Jay. And my religion search, well thats been all in my head until a few days ago.  Theres one thing in my life, however, which I cant keep a secret anymore. My art. I am not an amazingly talented artist by any means. But lately it’s been consuming me. I cant help driving to school in the morning to see a beautiful sunrise or seeing a couple sitting on a bench by the river without thinking “wow, I wish I could capture that right now.” I would never be able to pinpoint it at the time, but each painting I do explains something. Landscapes with infinite skies that I used to do showed my urge to get things out and just go. Georgia O’Keefe style closeups of flowers showed my realization that behind every individual is a precise beauty- kind of like I wish someone would just be able to look at me closely enough to see that there is more to me than I let on. My recent experiments in painting people reflect a genuine interest in new faces, new experiences, and dare i say new attractions? In fact, last night I spent an hour and a bit on a small (yet really good i might say) painting of an innocent kiss- that is a coincidental parallel to my own life if nothing else. I have been painting anything and everything that comes to mind for me these days. I hope I can settle down and find my own style sometime soon, but then again I love being able to express absolutely anything through what I put onto a canvas. Its pretty liberating. The only issue I have is, should I broadcast my art? Somehow I feel like opening my paintings up to the world devalues them- because I didnt paint them for the world. I painted them for me. On the other hand, I have found something that I so profoundly enjoy doing and have so much passion for that I couldnt possibly go on and keep it to myself. I suppose that’s the reason I got this blog. Anyways. Tomorrows Friday, and I believe this weekend will be an interesting one. This guy that I have a newfound thing for has invited me to go to his bands concert, and I am actually nervous. I have no reason to be, but it excites me. Its like being a little kid with a crush again. We’ll see how it goes sweet sweet lime.

Ain’t No Way To Stop Me Now

Lovely Tuesday.

Seriously, Tuesdays are probably the hardest day of the week, but this one went flawlessly for me. For once in a very long time Im actually not getting distracted too much from my homework, and Im actually getting things accomplished. My day was hard, but manageable, and at this point in time the week seems like it will go by relatively quickly. I cant complain.

My mom even made me my favorite meal and I sat and talked with her and my sister with a glass of wine. It was great. Sadly my sister admitted today that she doesnt believe in God… which, in my current exploration into religion and spirituality, stung a little. Shes her own person though and thats perfectly fine.

On the note of my own search, however, Ive made fantastic progress. After bashing the Roman Catholic church for the longest time, and even having issues with the concept of God, I came into religion class this year ready to learn about myself. I ended up making a strong connection with my teacher who I plan to attend Mass with on Sunday, and I really feel happier as a person now. Even being able to make decisions when it comes to sexuality, love, and my responsibility as a person, I feel more content and confident in myself. Ive finallly found a foothold.

Lastly, I cant wait for soccer to start. Im so ready for it. Im in better shape than anyone else on the team, and I have more determination than all of them. I really feel like this is my time. ”Heart of a Champion” by Nelly. Thats me.

 good times. x

Fools Rush In

Another important thing to mention about me is the Im always busy. School nights are awlays a little insane for me, and this week especially will be trying. Not impossible, because Im so excited for this weekend already… but no bullshit tolerated this week.

It doesnt help that I spent half the night sitting in this kid’s car talking!! Ah that boy drives me up the walls. I hate that I like him right now… I mean, before the school year started I told myself that I didnt want a boyfriend because I would have too much going on and I have better things to concentrate on- and look at me now. I’m a little hopeless.

more to come. sweet lime.

She’s Not Me.

Im back! With so much more left to say.

 Jay left back for school today, which was a bit of a relief because he hates it here. I think the only thing he likes about coming back is being able to see me- but unfortunately I dont want to spend my every waking hour during Thanksgiving weekend with him. Tension builds. But hes gone now and I can focus on other things.

Today my “new guy” asked me if Id like to get a drink, but I had to decline him because today supposed to be a “family day”. I dont think my family realizes quite how much I do for them on my own accord, and how insignificant and forced planned “family days” become for me, but still I make the best of them. Im lucky to have the family I do.

My mom. Shes great. She trusts me, even when she shouldn’t, because she feels like the only way I can learn is by growing from my own experiences instead of her keeping me under strict watch. She wants me to be cultured, and the best way to do so is to allow me to find myself. So, she has a really casual view on drinking, sex, religion, etc because she wants me to be my own person. I realize that I am more free that a lot of people I know, without being totally out-of-control. Sure, Ive had out-of-control moments where I did things that I really regret, but I can hold onto those moments as reminders for the future. I guess sometimes it frustrates me that I dont receive any direction from her, but at the same time I get unending support. I love her for that.

My dad is a mysterious man. I have lived with him for 17 years and I still dont fully understand him. He is reserved most of the times, yet uncannily playful and intelligent. And to top it all off, he has an unpredictable temper. As much as I wish he could have a more steady personality, I see a lot of myself in him. When we are both on our right game, we connect really well.

Then theres my brother, Ed. He and I had some rough times. For a while we despised each other, and it went past the typical sibling rivalry. Looking back, I admit that it started off as my fault (Jay was Ed’s best friend before we met. Need I explain more?), but then things got nasty- he would spread rumors about me (for a while half the school thought I had a dildo in my sock drawer because of him), and I would steal more of his friends. Its only since Ed went away to college that we’ve started to let go of each others throats. We are getting over it all, and Ive started to realize that he actually is a cool guy. Ive never ever told Ed that I love him. I guess I need to do that.

Anna. My sister is my hero. Hands down, she is the one person I admire more than anyone else in my life. Her confidence level is really unsteady, but her pride gets her through whatever she deals with. For a while Anna and I were like twins separated by 4 years. We both loved soccer, art, and had a similar social scene in middle school. Our only difference is that she was a little taller and a little more popular during her middle school years. So naturally (or not, maybe) I relived my mediocre middle school experience vicariously through Anna. Her life was exactly like mine, only better. I was so happy for her.

Then something happened- I came home from school one day to see my mom crying on the couch (my mom doesnt cry. neither do I really). Anna had been expelled from school for bringing razor blades to school. Why? Becuase she wanted to get rid of them- she was sad and didnt want to continue cutting herself- so she was going to lend them to her other friend who cuts. My mom had me go through Anna’s room to find anything I could as to why this crazy thing was happening.

I found out a lot about my sister that week. I found out that she dated a popular boy at school who would call her ugly. I found out that some people made fun of her for being an “emo bitch”, and blew her off as being a “rich girl”. I found out that those people and that popular boy had smashed eggs and smeared deoderant in her locker, just because. I found out she was considering stopping eating, because she felt fat compared to her sister- me. I found a diary littered with doubts and drops of blood, and scars on her hips and shoulders. I found out that I was wrong about my little sister.

Needless to say I was absolutely devastated. I was sad for my sister, but I was more mad at myself for not accepting that Anna is not me. I was so sure I knew her life, because it was the same as mine only better, and I was so positive that nothing could be wrong that I forgot to be her older sister. I had two things I wanted to say to Anna: First, ”Im sorry.” Im sorry that I made you me. We arent the same person, and I forgot that. And second, “…why?” – not in a mean way, trying to accuse her of being a bad person. It just when I compared the two of us, I was so happy for her being taller, prettier, more popular, more mature, than I was at that age. But Anna didnt think she was. I wanted to know what happened. I wanted to know why. But Ive never asked her.

Since then Anna has switched schools. And I decided to be there for Anna, not for the person I made her. So, before she left Lincoln, I called the mean popular guy with her and bitched him out like an older sister was supposed to. The next day, I helped her prepare a tub of syrup to pour on his head. She lost her friends and her old school, but she kept her pride. Now Anna is at Madison. She joined cross country and soccer, stopped dying her hair black, got her braces off, and bought new clothes. Now she is a healthier more confident person, and has made plenty of new friends. I cant begin to explain how different the two of us are now. But we are better friends and sisters now than ever before. I love my sister for pulling through the way she did. Shes pretty incredible.

So now, its time to go to Olive Garden with the fam. Heres to a good night.

x

Let’s Start This Right.

Hi! Here I am, sitting at my computer writing my first entry to my first blog ever. I guess I should start with the basics, as in why I chose to make a wordpress. So lets see:

First of all, I am the kind of person that will sit in tortured silence during a “discussion”, refusing to utter a single sentence as to how I’m feeling, no matter how hard the other person pries for a response. As much as I always want to say something meaningful, I always stumble over words or just continue to be unresponsive. I cant stand that about myself. I need to learn to get things out in concise words so I can stop my unintentional silence treatment in real life situations. Hopefully, in relaying my thoughts and feelings onto a blog such as this, I can finally admit how I am feeling in written logic. It’s a start. I apologize immensely if my entries are choppy and sporadic, but this is a new thing for me. A very new thing. The truth is that Ive always been a bit of a technological peasant so it takes a lot for me to open up to a machine. In fact, it takes a lot for me to open up in general.

I suppose thats another reason for my newfound hobby- I am slow to trust people with my feelings. Im so scared of being vulnerable in any way. On this blog however, I can be totally honest because my thoughts will never come into contact with anyone I personally know, and I can never be hurt. Its a pretty comforting idea, but pretty dismal at the same time. Hopefully I’ll change… but until then this is what I have.

 So here goes.

One person that I will mention a lot in my time on here is a kid named Jay. He inspired me, supported me, and was the only person I felt completely comfortable with, like a best friend. He was my boyfriend through sophmore and junior year, and we broke up at the end of last year to give each other space, since he’d be starting a new life at college soon. Though we were technically broken up during the summer, not much really changed between us besides the fact that we saw each other a tiny bit less. We were still intimate in every way. It wasnt until my senior year came around that I realized how much I had screwed myself over by not REALLY ending things with him- I unintentionally started a long distance relationship. I started to feel bad about the whole situation when he would come home and expect us to act like we were still going out. It felt wrong to me being his “at home girlfriend”, almost like I was being used (Please trust me on this one, Jay would never actually use me. He genuinely thinks Im the girl he is going to marry.) The attachment soon became too much for me. Stress levels hit the roof for me when I realized I had feelings for another kid from my school… who i shall talk about later. To be quick, I stumbled for an entire weekend when he was home to tell him that I couldnt do it anymore, and that although I still need him to be there for me, I didnt want him as my boyfriend. There were tears and some mean words, but that was expected because he really felt like I had betrayed him, because he loves me more than I can explain, and although I love him too, Im not sure that I am the girl hes going to marry. Im still waiting to see how things pan out with that, but the truth is that he was a huge part of my life a while ago, and he always will be in some way or another.

More recently, however, I’ve been caught totally offguard by a guy at my school. For almost 2 years now I have been telling myself that after Jay, there wont be a single guy at Benet worth dating for me- we’re either too established of friends, or the intentions of the relationship would be wrong. Then all of a sudden, this person who I met randomly at a party has thrown me for a loop. He is no doubt amazing- so sure of himself and what he thinks, so independent yet really relatable, and so unbelievably talented. Talking to him is natural and easy, so after I got over my initial fascination towards him, I found myself drifting toward him and wanting his company more & more. I have never met anyone that I connect with quite as well as him, even Jay. And lets make it clear that Jay is not the issue here. Sure, Ive had a minor fiasco with the Jay situation, but even if I hadnt, Im not sure if I would want a relationship with the guy in question. Again, Im scared of being vulnerable. The idea of being attached again so close to leaving for college doesnt work for me. It scares me to think that I could go head over heels for someone that will be gone in a few months, no matter how infatuated i felt in the moment. I just dont know. I freak myself out sometimes. Best just to keep my feet on the ground for the time being.

 This is way too long. I guess once I have all the basic information out of the way these entries will get a little smaller, but first I need to get everything unto this point off of my chest. This is a good start, but theres more to come.

 Peace. Sweet Lime.