Let’s Start This Right.

Hi! Here I am, sitting at my computer writing my first entry to my first blog ever. I guess I should start with the basics, as in why I chose to make a wordpress. So lets see:

First of all, I am the kind of person that will sit in tortured silence during a “discussion”, refusing to utter a single sentence as to how I’m feeling, no matter how hard the other person pries for a response. As much as I always want to say something meaningful, I always stumble over words or just continue to be unresponsive. I cant stand that about myself. I need to learn to get things out in concise words so I can stop my unintentional silence treatment in real life situations. Hopefully, in relaying my thoughts and feelings onto a blog such as this, I can finally admit how I am feeling in written logic. It’s a start. I apologize immensely if my entries are choppy and sporadic, but this is a new thing for me. A very new thing. The truth is that Ive always been a bit of a technological peasant so it takes a lot for me to open up to a machine. In fact, it takes a lot for me to open up in general.

I suppose thats another reason for my newfound hobby- I am slow to trust people with my feelings. Im so scared of being vulnerable in any way. On this blog however, I can be totally honest because my thoughts will never come into contact with anyone I personally know, and I can never be hurt. Its a pretty comforting idea, but pretty dismal at the same time. Hopefully I’ll change… but until then this is what I have.

 So here goes.

One person that I will mention a lot in my time on here is a kid named Jay. He inspired me, supported me, and was the only person I felt completely comfortable with, like a best friend. He was my boyfriend through sophmore and junior year, and we broke up at the end of last year to give each other space, since he’d be starting a new life at college soon. Though we were technically broken up during the summer, not much really changed between us besides the fact that we saw each other a tiny bit less. We were still intimate in every way. It wasnt until my senior year came around that I realized how much I had screwed myself over by not REALLY ending things with him- I unintentionally started a long distance relationship. I started to feel bad about the whole situation when he would come home and expect us to act like we were still going out. It felt wrong to me being his “at home girlfriend”, almost like I was being used (Please trust me on this one, Jay would never actually use me. He genuinely thinks Im the girl he is going to marry.) The attachment soon became too much for me. Stress levels hit the roof for me when I realized I had feelings for another kid from my school… who i shall talk about later. To be quick, I stumbled for an entire weekend when he was home to tell him that I couldnt do it anymore, and that although I still need him to be there for me, I didnt want him as my boyfriend. There were tears and some mean words, but that was expected because he really felt like I had betrayed him, because he loves me more than I can explain, and although I love him too, Im not sure that I am the girl hes going to marry. Im still waiting to see how things pan out with that, but the truth is that he was a huge part of my life a while ago, and he always will be in some way or another.

More recently, however, I’ve been caught totally offguard by a guy at my school. For almost 2 years now I have been telling myself that after Jay, there wont be a single guy at Benet worth dating for me- we’re either too established of friends, or the intentions of the relationship would be wrong. Then all of a sudden, this person who I met randomly at a party has thrown me for a loop. He is no doubt amazing- so sure of himself and what he thinks, so independent yet really relatable, and so unbelievably talented. Talking to him is natural and easy, so after I got over my initial fascination towards him, I found myself drifting toward him and wanting his company more & more. I have never met anyone that I connect with quite as well as him, even Jay. And lets make it clear that Jay is not the issue here. Sure, Ive had a minor fiasco with the Jay situation, but even if I hadnt, Im not sure if I would want a relationship with the guy in question. Again, Im scared of being vulnerable. The idea of being attached again so close to leaving for college doesnt work for me. It scares me to think that I could go head over heels for someone that will be gone in a few months, no matter how infatuated i felt in the moment. I just dont know. I freak myself out sometimes. Best just to keep my feet on the ground for the time being.

 This is way too long. I guess once I have all the basic information out of the way these entries will get a little smaller, but first I need to get everything unto this point off of my chest. This is a good start, but theres more to come.

 Peace. Sweet Lime.