What Do I Do? (Part Two)

I just got a series of texts from my brother’s best friend about 30 seconds ago:

We should hang out sometime.

Im thinkin I really have something to say…

We’ll have coffee and Ill explain

… did you ever like me?

What the hell do you do when your brother’s best friend sends you texts like that? Ignore them? Tell your brother? Go to coffee? Ill be easier to deny this guy than it will be with Jay, but its still frustrating.

What Do I Do?

I tried telling Jay about Stephen today. And vice versa actually. Niether worked.

First off, Jay came over to visit. He mainly just tailed me around my house as I did different chores and made myself food, telling me all his drunk stories. I tried to tell him about Stephen, but when Jay gets talking, theres no stopping him. After an hour or so when Jay had to leave, he tried to kiss me. I pulled away. He gave me a puzzled look.

“Jay, you are not my boyfriend anymore. You need to move on” I meant to continue about Stephen, but before I could Jay muttered “Whatever” and left.

This is my problem. I almost broke up with Jay at one point last spring. He was devastated by our fight and slashed his knuckles with a pocket knife. It might be part of the reason I didnt break up with him then. This was in the wake of my sister’s cutting issues too. If me denying him a kiss made him storm out of my house, I cant imagine what telling him I have a new boyfriend would make him do.

On the flip side, I lamely called Stephen to tell him about how I am still having issues with Jay. The words werent coming out easily for me and by the time that I had uttered all I needed to to Stephen, the call was dropped. My initial thought was that Stephen was angry and hung up, but then he called back right away and pretended like that last phone call never happened. Soo that was that.

I feel like an idiot. I really dont want Jay to do something unhealthy, but I dont want to compromise anything with Stephen. Im not exactly sure how I should handle this.

Heart of a Champion

Disregard that last post.

This society thrives on negative energy. Critics are all around, waiting to demoralize people left and right. My brother is one of them. He said in front of all our coworkers today that I dont have the drive to be successful in life- Im not passionate enough about anything to be extraordinary. The thing is, my brother is terribly mistaken if I am going to stand there and take it. He’s wrong.

The first thing that comes to mind is my soccer. I have not been allowed to touch a ball for 8 months now but my mind is still set on this season. I dream about how I will show everyone up with my hard work. Fuck, Ive worked out almost every day after my surgery. In August I could barely bike 3 miles in half an hour. Now I can run 4 miles in less than that. And its all for this season.

I have an unweighted 4.0 with four AP classes. I do volunteer work. I have a job. I love to paint. Thats more than most people can say and it takes a little bit of drive to do all that. Ive already created my own success and I wont let anyone’s negativity take that away from me.

So no, I wont have a breakdown. Im not going to give my brother or anyone else the satisfaction of me being weak. There.

I Need Some Sleep.

I think Im headed for a minor emotional breakdown. Stay tuned.

Music & Lyrics, Here I Come

Moving shouldnt be a big deal. There are worse things that could happen to me- I should just be glad that my dad is keeping his amazing job and we will have a nice house in a great city. I should view this whole moving experience as a new adventure and a chance to start fresh. I should be excited to move. But Im not.

However much tell people that moving wont be that bad, I know that inside I am dreading it. Just the thought of redoing the bathroom so our house will sell puts me in a bad mood. The worse part is, the more I think about it, the more I start to wallow in self pity. Soo I complain about petty things instead. Like today- Stephen called me and asked me how I was… and I guess my answer wasnt totally convincing. So when he asked what was wrong I told him that my leg hurt. What kind of bullshit answer is that? Im a spaz.

I said originally that I didnt want to get into something with Stephen because itll make leaving tough. Still, I sometimes feel like it was a wrong move to start dating him. And Stephen might read this and think that it is some lame “Its not you, its me” breakup crap but the truth is that I feel bad. He was telling me yesterday about how nobody has ever stayed in his life- everyone enters it, means something, then leaves just as quickly. And here I am, another failure. I honestly feel like its unfair to him. I care about him too much.

But then again, I wouldnt actually break up with him. He’s too fantastic, and I know already from personal experience that “breaking up so leaving wont be as hard” means shit. It doesnt work. Its just gonna be hard either way. It doesnt change the fact that I feel like its my fault.

Fuck. Im going to go watch a happy movie and eat some chocolate now.

x

Silent Sigh

No man is an island.

Its wonderful to say that you are glad to have met a certain someone. But if you are an island, what is it you actually love? Is it that person or that person’s pertinence to your life?

See, theres having someone as a part of YOUR life, and then there is getting to be a part of THEIR life. The difference may seem minor, but in practice its huge. To me the real constituent of love is the latter.

The concept is hard to grasp, and once again my inability to convey it they way I want to frustrates me. But as I grew more and more silent, stuck in my thoughts, I realized that its its impossible for someone to be an island forever. Nobody can be entirely emerged in their own life. At least I dont think so.

What do you think, world?

A Note From A Real Bumbling Idiot

Ah geez tonight I saw Sweeney Todd with Stephen and Christine. First off, the movie was great, however disturbing. And second, I love Christine. Since we met in 1st grade, we’ve been best friends. Ive had great times with her and Ive had strained times, but shes the only friend I have that has never gone away. She knows everything about me, and however much I try to explain why I am the way I am, nobody will ever know me like she does. Dont get me wrong- Stephen knows a ton and Ive confided more in him than anyone else, but I cant expect him to understand my past because he was never there. Christine has always been there. 

On a different note and totally out of chronological sequence, I have to explain Christmas Eve a little more fully. Stephen gave me a letter as part of my gift. It was sincere and touching and meant more to me than I think I conveyed to him. See, I was left speechless after reading it. As long as I had been dating Jay or known anyone for that matter, nobody has ever said anything so sincere. Im starting to think now that my silence was misunderstood… because part of his letter said something along the lines of “I dont usually share my feelings because I dont want to be met with lies and shallow truths”. Since I didnt have an answer to the letter, does that mean that I was trying to be “nice” by refusing to ”meet him with a shallow truth” by reciprocating the feelings? Damn even that doesnt make sense.

Im just disappointed in my own lack of emotion, because in that moment I could have cried. I almost did. But oh well, I had a dumb reaction. I just have to show him that what Im feeling is anything but a shallow lie. His words hit so deep that I didnt know how to react.

 I am off to bed now though.

Sweet dreams, Sweet lime.

Incredible Night

I just went to an absolutely beautiful midnight mass. The lights glittering, the choir singing, and the masses of people sharing a moment together. Although I was standing by myself, I was as far from being alone as I could be. It seems to me that God wants me to find Him- He gave me my religion teacher. He gave me Stephen. He gave me the man I stood next to, urging me to join in and sing. God gave me this mass, where I could feel like Im part of a family, a group who wants so badly to love Him. I feel so lucky to be apart of it. I feel so happy.

Merry Christmas, world.

I’m Loving The Spin That I’m In

Im working on a painting right now that was inspired by Stephen. I dont exactly know how he inspires it- but when I sketched the scene and now when Im painting it I can see something that almost reminds me of him come through. To me, it is the story of an independent woman who has been taken by suprise by the company of an interesting man. The talk starts off friendly, but then goes deep. Soon, nothing in the room matters but the two of them and their fascinating conversation.

To everyone else, its just two people talking. In fact, to everyone else its an unfinished peice of work as of yet. The truth is, I have been getting so distracted, however much it means to me, that Ive been unable to paint in weeks. Im too busy living the story that I want to put on a canvas.

Thats also why I cant put a decent post on here at the moment. Who sits in a chair and types about life when they could be out in the world actually living?

I dont know. Im just excited.

Curse me for being so shallow

So Hollister. A new wierd episode in my life. Ive gotta admit I like it, but I also feel uncomfortable about it. I find myself surrounded by mirrors everywhere- and every time I see myself in the mirrors I am reminded of how much I really dont fit in there. Typically, I have pretty good self esteem. How I look doesnt usually bother me because I know that theres more to me than meets the eye. But Hollister is trying to sell a look- at this store, for this job, looks are all that matter. And I dont really have them. I try to dress decently stylish when I work, but for however much I try, it doesnt seem to work.

Im not tan or skinny. I have terrible style and feel akward in tiny tank tops. My hair is usually in a messy bun and I have small boobs. Everytime I pass a mirror or a girl I work with I think about how Im just not pretty enough for this place.

Then I go home and I hit myself for being so fucking shallow.

 Im not sure how long I can keep up with a job that gnaws away at my confidence so much- but then again, part of me wants to stay to prove that I dont have to fit that profile. We will see. And with that said, I am going to bed. This week has been absolutely exhausting and I feel like I could go on forever complaining about totally insignificant things, but next week will be better. Finally I will be able to do what I want without constraints. I cant wait!!

Goodnight world.