Uh Oh

I CANT DO THIS

this logos talk is tearing me apart. my thoughts are too sporadic. and i so want to go to someone to work it out, but who do i go to? first and foremost i want to go to stephen, but i cant! because the talk is supposed to be FOR him. and the past week ive been trying to put my words together, but its stressing me out. and every time stephen asks me how i am or what im doing i cant SAY anything because this talk is on my mind SO MUCH. he just called me and i feel like i am lying to him cus im already so tired of bringing up this talk that i dont answer him truthfully when he asks what ive been doing. its been 3 hours today. 3 hours yesterday. i know how i feel. i know my story. but i cant express it and do it justice. i feel like im going insane.

I NEED SOME CLARITY

Rest Time!

Hmm heres the agenda for tonight….

• Write my logo’s talk
• Read a few articles
• Start a new painting
• Paint my nails
• Watch a movie

Nothing more, nothing less.

Gotta Grin and Bear It

Something was off tonight. I kinda snapped at Stephen tonight and now I feel bad about it, because he really just needed some encouragement. Im not sure if I feel sick, or tired, or if something really is bothering me…. but I need to figure it out because I just feel like a bummer right now.

I dunno. Maybe it was just an off day. Either way though, I have to try harder.

Conditioning starts tomorrow, and my head is full of questions and doubts that I never really considered before: What if I hurt my knee again? What if I cant keep up? What if I have an asthma attack? I havent played in 9 months, what if I suck?

Is it even a legitimate reason to go into this season so driven because of Mr Winds comments nearly a year ago? Or should I just forget why Ive been working so hard and start fresh? Do my teammates recognize my determination? Do they care? Does Mr Wind care?

Shit. Ive been thinking about this season for so long, and now its finally here. It scares me. I cant quite wrap my head around it right now. But the truth is, Ive made it this far, I cant let the doubt get to me now. Sooo wish me luck.

Ain’t no way they can stop me now
Cause I’m on my way, I can feel my ring coming
It’s the blood of a champion
Pumpin’ deep inside my veins- too much pride to be runnin’
I’ma get what I can and more
Even if my blood, my sweat, and my tears don’t mean nothing
It’s the heart of a champion

Last Night…

I worked last night. I gave them my notice, so I work for one more week then Im done. If I so choose, I can return for set up days and breaks from school. Plus, since they hired newbies, I no longer have to do the dumb grunt work in the front.

Ray called me last night. He told me he would like me to lead the next Logos retreat. I didnt think I would be chosen, since nearly 50 people applied, but now Im ecstatic. More than anything I cant wait to see peoples’ faces on that Saturday night.

Jay sent me another drunken text last night, asking me why we dont talk. He said that I havent been trying, and I said that he never responds when I do try. We are both at fault. But, we both want to fix it and are going to talk later today.

I passed AP Statistics (79 baby!), completed my college apps, get to look for new gym shoes today, and finished my painting. It feels so good when all the little things are going your way… Plus I get to see Stephen today.

Fantastic!

The Answer To Life, The Universe, and Everything

Hmm. I just made another revelation today. I am almost always in deep thought. I think constantly. Thats why I make revelations all the time. I realize things, and make points about them, then change myself for what I think is the better. Its how I live. In fact, there were about 3 or 4 occasions today that conversations or situations I was in sparked a thought in my head which lead to a new realization which I considered writing down… but I didnt. Ive gotten so used to doing this on my own that when people ask me what Im thinking about, I say nothing… just because its the easiest thing to say for an ineloquent person like myself.

Annnd I have no idea what I am trying to achieve in this post…

Just another think I noticed.

what is this world coming to?

Okay quick note.

I might be slow to make this realization, because I havent turned on a TV since the summer (too much reality crap for me to handle)… But yeah. I was sitting downstairs eating chow mein and studying Statistics when I heard some news report on Heath Ledger. It started off genuine enough, talking about his history, his movies, and his family… 

And then I started hearing things like “Here is an exclusive clip of Heath’s ex-wife’s mom traveling back to America,” and “E! has footage of Heath’s body being carried out of his house,” and “We got over one million clicks on our website about Heath’s death today alone”

That is disgusting. It is tragedy that someone so talented should die so young. Its even more of a tragedy that the media only cares about getting video clips of his suffering family.

What else can I say?

So Much To Say

Ah. Logos. I meant to write something about it, but I find myself at a loss of where to start and what to say. Although I went into it with uncertainty as to what it would do for me… I came out completely sold on it.

Sure, I dont think I came out with 50 new friends. And no, I didnt change from a skeptic to a “Praise-the-Lord” hardcore Christian. There was certainly a handful of truly shallow people on this retreat that were just trying to outdo one another with their sob stories and convinced themselves that the only reason they dont have a relationship with God is because of time consuming college essays.

In between these people, however, were those that really came into Logos trying to find something. My main example is a guy named John. He and I were quite obviously the two most outspoken people in our group. I talked about how last spring I had been very unhappy- with soccer, my sister, Jay, with my friends, my decisions- but how I wanted to change myself. It turns out that I made that change happen, and now I couldnt be happier. John, on the other hand, talked about how he tries so hard to make others happy, that he neglects himself. He has had some hardships which make him think that he has to “play God” and care for others more than himself. He didnt think he was important.

Maybe it was the “Logos high” that got me, but regardless, I felt really moved by what he had said. So, I approached him about his situation one on one after a group talk. Even though I barely knew him, he needed know that he was loved. We kept talking after that, and by the end of the weekend, he had mentioned me in his letter to God, saying that I had helped him grow. The warmth I felt in that moment was unbelievable.

Logos didnt affect me in the way that it affects most people, because I went into more of a whole person than I have ever been. If anything, it made me realize how much I can give.

I wrote a letter to God that weekend, which captured how I felt perfectly. It sounded something along the lines of this:

Hi! I know that this is a new thing, and Im just getting used to letting you into my life, but I just wanted to tell you… thanks. You gave me amazing parents, who support me endlessly, but you also gave me an okay head on my shoulders to build myself where they cant. You gave me friends and mentors, like Stephen and Mr K, who help me make it through every day living. You sent me everything I could have asked for. And I know that all of this is not just by chance- you have plans for me.

With all I receive (most of which I probably dont deserve), I want nothing more than to return the favor, but it seems like nothing I do could ever balance the scale. It reminds me of a Relient K song: “How much is too much to give you? Well, I may never know, so Ill give till theres nothing left”. So, thats what I plan to do. Because of you, I want to support Anna, and be a good role model. You make me want to call Edward and tell him I love him. You make me want to hug my parents, share with my friends, respect my body, give to my world, and cherish life in every which way.

I have so many talents that you meant for me to give to the world. Now that I recognize it as such, Ill never stop. I am ready to shine my light on the world- thank you for that chance.

…I got to read this aloud at mass on Sunday, and when I did, I very nearly couldnt finish. I choked up towards the end, and then started silently crying when I realized that I had actually said all of that. Father Bob saw me cry, as did Kevin, and Mr. K for a second time that weekend. I didnt tell Stephen about this moment. I will, but not until after his Logos. I can honestly say that this was my single most memorable moment in Logos, but I dont want to affect Stephen’s experience by pressing my emotions on him.

I cant say that Logos changed me- my change was self-instigated months ago. But I it certainly helped me to realize a lot of things, and that I am grateful to have gone.

Okay. I am getting tired and I think you get the picture.

Goodnight

Burning

If you took allllll of the energy from the sun and every other star in the universe, and then balled it up, and then squeezed it all into the middle of my chest, thats sort of what my heart feels like right now.

I’m on fire.

Series of Unfortunate Events

Well, this is one of those times where I could sweat the small stuff. I got into an accident. Almost got into another out of apprehension from the first one. Tossed and turned during the night. Woke up to a sick stomach and threw up in the sink. Fought with my parents.

But you know, its done. Negativity only spreads as far as you want it to, so now these things arent going to be talked about anymore. I already feel bad enough that Stephen got involved in it…. He sent me a message saying that he felt like he was at fault somehow?? No. It was just me being in a bad mood about minor incidents (hey! good song).

Stephen gives me so much- love, support, advice. I want to give him the same love and support in return, and I cant do that if I have a bad attitude. Once you identify with negativity, it takes control of the masses of positive in your life. I dont want mine to affect Stephen. Although I love that he cares about me, theres no reason for him to feel bad.

So yeah. Today will be a good day.

Now theres Logos. Following the same theme as above- Logos will only be as good as I make it. So I have two choices: 1) Be a bummer for 3 days, proving to myself that Logos is same cultish, feel good retreat that I thought it was… or 2) Be open to it and whatever happens, happens.

I dont see myself coming home from this a changed person. But if anything, this is a 3 day vacation away from my real life to enjoy the company of people I would usually never hang out with. In a way I hope I dont miss Stephen, because I want to focus my energy on making Logos good. Id be lying if I said I’m not freaked out though.

But anyways I have about 6 hours all to myself right now so Im finishing that painting.

Ciao!