This Is Life!

I am so prepared. I have people rooting for me. Everything seems to be lining up so perfectly. So why am I so scared? Its because theres always that chance that after putting my heart into what I love, I’ll be disappointed. It scares me that Ive had dreams about how things will go if I succeed and ones where I struggle to reach my goal before its too late. Each scenario seems equally plausible. It scares me that I have done everything in my control to make things work, so all thats left is in the hands of someone else.

Sometimes I wish I could control my life like David in Vanilla Sky. If I want people to shut the fuck up, they will. All circumstances would be determined by me. That way, my success (or my failure) is entirely in my hands and nobody elses. The last thing that I want to happen is to look back and say, “Well, that would have been perfect, if not for ____.”

But then again, life isnt like that. If you love something, and want something, sometimes that love hurts, simply because it isnt in your control. The true success and failure in your life comes with how you accept the circumstances handed to you. It doesnt matter if you are scared, or angry, or defeated. It doesnt matter if you should’ve, would’ve or could’ve been successful. The only thing that matters is taking what IS in your hands and making the best you can of it. That is what I hope I am doing.

Do You Feel Alive?

Tonight was so good. It was filled with so many people that I just want to stretch out my arms and give love to. For three years I was convinced that there was no one at Benet that I could really care about. Sure, I had Christine at another school and Jay, but I never really reached out beyond them, because I didnt feel the need. Tonight was a testimony to how much Ive grown since then. 

Yesterday, I spent nearly 5 hours with a group of 5 people for Logos. We are making ourselves vulnerable to each toher, but we are doing it so we can eventually make ourselves vulnerable to the world. Our connection is growing so strong, because we are all there for each other. We laughed, danced, worked, listened, heard, talked and understood. In short, we loved.

This morning I sped down Naper Blvd singing to Mulan, laughing and rocking out with my sister. I shared stories with Andy in study hall. I gave copies of my talk to Kevin and Pat, who were both eager to read it. I chatted for 45 minutes with the librarian. I gave out compliments endlessly.

This evening I went out with my mom to Muse. I sat next to John, and clapped like a fool. I talked with everyone. I saw all my friends perform. I saw my boyfriend, my best friend, perform. Tomorrow I am seeing him again. And I might play a soccer game. And I am starting a new painting. Then I am having a movie night with Erin and Kristen and Lindsey.

My world is being filled with everything I love. Its almost overwhelming. Its so wonderful. I just feel so eager to give out as much love as is humanly possible right now, because I found my reason why. This is how life is supposed to be.

Words.

I cannot write anything on here without being totally nonsensical (which, by the way, is my new favorite word) But I just have to comment on how fantastically words are flowing out for me right now. I finished my talk tonight. Done. Fin. Annnd it captures how I feel nearly perfectly. Ah! What a relief.

Okay!!

I feel so good this morning. Yesterday was what I would call the culmination of a few weeks worth of self-doubt and paranoia. I put it off for a perfect weekend, but yesterday I let it consume me. Now, its off my chest. I told Stephen what was up. And although I dont think he much liked what I had to say, the point is its done now.

This is what I have. This is who I am right now. Nothing in the past or the future should change that. I shouldnt be scared about things with Stephen, because I know he feels the same way. Sooo

Heres to an awesome day!

Okay.

Turnabout 2008. It was great. And its hard for me to sound excited about it now because… well, this morning I woke up to a text from Stephen saying he finally had a picutre of us two. And then I came to my desk and I saw the picture of Jay and I, and thought of how its time to replace that… and I started to think. 

Turnabout last year was different. There was no dancing, and no real happiness. We left early, and didnt go to an after party. Then I went home and cried. I couldnt help it. I wasnt so much sad, as I felt stuck. Looking back on my relationship with Jay now, all I remember makes me bitter. I see me not caring. I see how lowly I thought of myself because Jay would point out my flaws. I see me not really being… me.

I cant help myself- I constantly compare what I have with Stephen to what it was like with Jay. Things are better, but it doesnt make me feel better. I dont know. I just have this twinge of discomfort. I mean, Jay and I were happy to begin with, right? But I didnt realize how unhappy our relationship really was until recently. I was blinded, I guess. So once in a while, that I get afraid that all this love and happiness I feel with Stephen will slowly turn into monotony and detachment.

So, thats my confession. I told Stephen I dont live in the past, but I guess I do. Jay is like a scar. Like I told Kevin today at mass, I gave him something Ill never get back. And it bites at me. Thats also where my insecurity comes from- my inability to let go of my baggage. It hurts even more now because I know that all of this is unfair to Stephen, and Id never have the courage to lay it all down in front of him to get it off my chest.

I am trying though. Thats what my senior year has been- me starting fresh. Im a new person now, with new ideals and new passions. I am trying so hard to wipe my slate clean… its just something Im stilll working on.

Seriously, the weekend has been fantastic… Its just that my thoughts get me down. And the fact that I think them in the first place gets me even more down. I dont know. I promised myself at mass today that I could have my time to mope over it, but then once I got the words out of me, I would let it go and carry on. Im going to try and not let it bother me now.

So Im done.

fly me to the moon

aahhhhh. words escape me. but when do they ever come easily for me??

today was 234234 times better than i thought it could be.

Yeaaah…

Wah today was so wierd- not bad at all but just… off I guess. I just felt like I was being delirious with the way I was acting and how I talked. I kept trailing off a lot and not wanting to be around people. There was not a single coherent idea that came out of me. The wierdness was totally on my account but I couldnt control it. Maybe I was tired from conditioning? Maybe it was just a regular Monday. I dont know.

Either way I havent been so confident in myself the last week or so. It sort of all goes back to a conversation I was having with Stephen- about his power and my lack thereof. Lately I have been feeling like I am replaceable and Im starting to get to myself.

On one side I say that Im being hard on myself… but on the other side there is no denying that what Im thinking is pretty factual. Fact: I am going to have to fight for a starting spot for soccer, and still might not get it. Fact: If Vicky didnt live in New York, Stephen wouldnt give me a second thought. Fact: Im not very good with words. I cant really hold a conversation. At least not lately. I dont know.

Like I said before, I feel like Im doing the right thing. I do. But at the same time, I want to be realistic. And right now, its hard to find the right balance.

But anyways. To homework and stuff. 

The New Week

The week ahead will be busy. It will be tiring. It will be long.

But theres no doubt in my mind that it will be totally awesome too!

8 & 9

Mmm. Night with Kevin. Hanging out with him now makes me realize how much Ive changed as of late. I no longer have to pretend. I no longer have to justify myself. Im comfortable being honest like Ive never been before.

I dunno. I feel like Im right for once. Everything Im doing is right for me, and Im happy about it. And to have Kevin, who has seen me through all 4 years, backing me up in everything I do makes me feel even better.

“Well, it makes no sense to me… but you are very small, so okay.” – Treebeard the Endt.

ooooh boy

The last 7 hours have been a stroke of genius for me. Its never happened before, and probably will never happen again.

Goodnight.