Save Tonight

The reminders are everywhere. Every time I come home, I think of it. I cant help it.

Im trying not to talk about it. It doesnt accomplish anything, and makes it harder on others. But hell, it bugs me.

Gotta go play a soccer game.

Another Long Post About Soccer

So that was an embarrassingly bad loss we had at soccer. It was against a team called Hersey. Nobody has ever heard of them, and they swept us. I know this is just highschool soccer, lets make a comparison. Lets say a team like ManU was playing at Old Trafford against a team in danger of relegation. And gets shut down…. you wouldnt say its the players’ fault, would you? Its a fluke. You know that the club has talented- theyve proved that. The problem is a systematic one, and obviously goes back to the management.

Basically, Mr Wind has to retire. See, this team has more potential this year than it has in a while. Obviously there is a huge problem with our cohesion, and I bet you bottom dollar its because our playersare thrown off by the presumptive decisions of our coach. I understand his reasoning in his decisions sometimes, but other times Im convinced he doesnt know what he’s doing

First off… our defense consists of 3 freshman and a sophomore, all of whom are experiencing their first season of varsity soccer. Sure, the freshman all hail from a state-ranked team and have the talent to play… but do they have the experience? Last year we had three seniors on our back line. All of the were sturdy and consistant because they KNEW what they were doing, and they knew the type of girls they were up against. Theres a certain amount of confidence and cohesion that has to happen in the back for the defense to be effective. And as much as I love my froshies, that confidence in not there.

Im not saying for a second that Mr Wind shouldnt play freshman because heck, they are talented girls. Im just saying that he cant experiment with a back line. He looks at one aspect and one aspect only for the defense, and that is raw talent. What he also needs to take into consideration is experience, composure, and communication. Its clear right now that those things are a little lacking in our defense.

Strangely enough, Mr Wind also decided to stick the girl who should be our sweeper on foward for this game. Is he oblivious to the fact that he has 3 functioning strikers at his disposal here? Not only is Brynne our best defender, but she is arguably the most sturdy girl on our team. She makes a good forward, but she would do more for our team in the back. We have a solid offense because they all are experienced players. He neednt mess with it.

The problem is, positions get flipped and changed way too much on this team. It seems that is someone has a nice clear in practice, they become a defender. If someone pulls a cute move, they are suddenly a forward. I dont think it occurs to Mr Wind that soccer isnt made up of a single aspect. As a head coach, its important to be decisive. But to make a judgement based on a single event? Thats silly. One good ball doesnt make up for 20 missed ones… and vice versa. I saw Amanda, who has started on our team for 3 years now, be shunned to a bench because of one scrimmage. Sure, she had a bad scrimmage, but she is still more useful out there than someone that doesnt know what theyre doing.

Another problem is how oblivious Mr Wind is during practice. Its his job to evaluate his players. Well, that isnt possible if he simply focuses on half the team (The freshman. I dont mean to bash them becuase I love them, but its true). That especially isnt possible when his assistants dont (or cant) communicate with him. If he is going to split his team up like that, he better be damn sure that he has his players in the right places. Unfortunately, we know he doesnt. His coaching style is based on quick judgements and assumptions from the past.

Wow. I am done bashing my coach. Although Id never blatantly disrespect him, I find it hard to respect him. I just want to make it clear right now that I am not playing for Mr Wind anymore. Every ounce of energy I put into this season is for my teammates, not for him.

Right.

Easter

This has got to be the most subdued Easter Ive ever had. I havent left my house today. I woke up at 7:15, ate breakfast, read, and spent maybe an hour with my family before heading to my room- alone. Ive been in here all day. Everything seems totally barren right now. Outside there are no leaves, no sun, no cars… nothing. Inside there is silence. More than anything, this lack of life in the world makes me look forward to the future.

I mean, this week alone will bring 4 soccer games, the most dangerous school day of the year, and a concert. Then theres spring break… and being asked to prom. Then theres all the end-of-the-year perks- senior outing, finals, prom. Then graduation. And summer. And Texas.

I might not want it all to happen… but I am looking forward to the “action” in my life. I want to laugh, cry, smile, and love. Im ready for big changes.

I say that, but at the same time, I dont know how I will handle certain changes. Like Texas. It still depresses me to think about it. Right now, moving seems synonomous with losing my freedom. I dont feel the same about anything anymore. The idea of going to school in California is scary knowing that I wont have Chicago as my safety blanket. Spending my breaks alone in Texas, since I wont have time to meet people before going to college. Leaving my friends and boyfriend for good… 

As an optimist I could say that our paths could cross again. I doesnt matter if Im in California or Texas and they stay in Illinois… moving shouldnt mean anything. But as a realist, I know a life in Houston is drastically different than a live in Chicago. And different lifes go in different directions. 

I try not to think about it. I only bring it up because it was brought up to me yesterday… and I immediately fell silent in thought.

I wish it wasnt so quiet in my house right now.

woo!

i love love love love the weekend!!

It’s Cold.

Ah gosh. Ive been wanting to get my thoughts down all weekend… but Ive been so busy and havent really had the energy to do so! This weekend was so draining. It was over all more good than bad, but so emotionally loopy nonetheless.

Once again I dont have the motivation to be on my computer… so you’ll just have to trust me when I say that I came out of this weekend knowing a lot more than I didnt going in. I did a lot of talking, but even more listening. Its vague, I know. But right now sleep seems way more important than this.

Adios.

Game 1

I could give a million absolutely logical and true reasons as to why I should accept being benched tonight. But not one of them is good enough for me. Im too emotionally invested in this season to be anything but stubborn and upset right now.

And I have been sitting here now for half an hour. I have nothing to say. And I sure as hell shouldnt be tearing up over a fucking soccer game.

No Se

What a weird day. Not super good, but not super bad. Just… I dont even know. I have a lot to think about.

Way Away

Hmm. I feel really good.

I just had a conversation with a dear friend, which forced me to think about a few things. He made me realize that as wonderful as everything is, I have no fucking clue what is going to happen in the future. That thought scared me a little. Once again, not being able to have control makes me uncomfortable. I know he didnt want to scare me, he just doesnt want to see me hurt.

Then I had another conversation, and I realized that although a lot of what my friend said had some validity, I dont have to be worried. Maybe I didnt before, but now I have a pretty keen sense of what is right and wrong for me. At the moment, things are right. Thats all there is to it. I still have no fucking clue what will happen down the road, but I have no reason to be scared.

Today was really good. Like, really good.

Okay Im done.

Bring That Chorus In

It seems like all I am talking about lately is soccer. But for real, this is my first time back in like 10 months. It excites me. I never realized how much I missed it. I love every second of it.

And, things are actually looking up for me! For the longest time, there was always this inkling of doubt in the back of my mind about not reaching my goals. The goals that I set were a little out there, but they got me to work hard. I sometimes felt like it wasnt really a good idea to get myself so caught up in soccer, because it is always possible that I was stretching my goals waaaaay out of proportion to what really would happen. In other words, I had to stop telling myself – “I dont care what anyone says, I will start” because the truth is, our team is going to be one of the best in state, and its very well possible that I wouldnt even play. I also wanted to stop saying – “I want to show everyone that last year wasnt how I am as a player”. Well, the past is done and over. I might be better compared to last year, but that doesnt change the fact that I have to focus on THIS season and being the best I can on THIS team.

With all that said, thought, it really does seem like I am doing something good. I shoot the ball, or make a play, or pull a move- and I think, was that seriously just me that did that? I am suprising myself with how skillful I actually am. And, the more confident I am on the ball, the better I play, because I stay calm and collected. I am playing right along with all the girls that I always thought were far superior to me. It seems like my goals really werent that far off all along, and that gives me reason to work my butt off even more so.

Oh. And my knee. So, I figured out what happened to it last season. November 2006 I played in a college showcase tournament with my club team, and hurt my knee. It swelled and was painful, was forced to skipped a game. I went back to practice 2 days later though. Obviously, I never though anything of that because I got right back into the swing of things. But two weeks later, we moved inside, practicing in a gym with a harder and faster surface. Indoor soccer requires more sharp cutting and harder shots (because the goals are smaller). It was the shooting the especially irritated my knee. 

See, when I shoot, I typically dont have very much power on the ball because of my short legs. But sophmore year, my coach told me that I had the hardest shot on the team because I swing my hips and use my entire body to shoot. But, thats not the right way to do it. You are supposed to keep your body straight and come off your back foot, almost like you are leaping after the shot. I however, stayed planted and swung away. Being a righty, my left foot would almost always be planted and twisted. That twisting is where most of the stress came from.

Its funny, because I never thought of it at the time, but the day I actually tore my miniscus, I walked into the bathroom and swung my leg like I was shooting. I heard 3 consecutive cracks and then couldnt straighten my knee. It really was that shooting motion that did it.

Whats really reassuring now though, is since I have had this 10 month break from soccer, I get back to focusing on the basics. It was almost like since I didnt remember how to do anything, I re-taught myself the way I learned in 2nd grade. Even with the shooting, I would stand behind a net and watch my body position as I kicked the ball. So, I shoot the right way now. If I keep it up, I shouldnt have too many knee problems. Obviously I will have some- as much physical therapy and running as I did, my left leg is still weaker and not used to the amount of work I am doing… but I dont think it is “bad” pain. Iceing and massaging and a little bit of caution should take care of it.

This is far too long… Oh well! I am just super pumped.

Okay Heres a Nice Random Thought For the Day

Okay. So bad things happen to good people. We all know that. There are people who are really nice, live their life to the fullest, etc., who happen to have something bad happen to them. And when that tragedy occurs, we say that it is unfair becuase they are the ____est person in the world- they are the sweetest, friendliest, most humble person ever, and they dont deserve the pain brought upon them. I absolutely know and respect that.

 But has it ever occurred to anyone that sometimes good things can happen to good people too? Why do we only recognize the goodness in people when something goes badly for them? I dont want this to come off cold-hearted… becasue thats not how I feel. I just think that we would be better seeing the goodness- the sweetness, friendliness, and humility of the people around us in itself, and not just in the light of some other tragedy.

What do you think?