what i do instead of studying for stats.

i havent written here in a while. i dont know… just been busy. out of town for a while, and finals are starting this week. im so so happy. like everything is amazing right now… with the exception of this little twinge of sadness that i am trying not to acknowledge. like i said before, its trivial. many, many things are going to happen to me. i cant let something silly like moving get in the way of how i live. its still a long way away.

ps. i played today. i might have played crappy, but gosh, it was the most fun ive had playing in over 2 years.

That’s Amore

Today was pretty much perfect. I got to spend it doing exactly what I wanted to, in every way. I slept in. I ran outside, and got lost in a gorgeous little neighborhood. I wore a dress and went on a walk with my boyfriend in the perfect weather. I helped my parents make dinner, had a few glasses of wine, and listened to spanish guitar. I spent 2 hours talking with my neighbor and my parents about life, the universe, and everything.

I dont know. I just think that this is how I want to live my life- simply, but happily. Maybe this is just my buzz talking right now, but behind all of the complaining that I do on my blog, I am a really happy person. Soccer and moving and parents and whatever else… its all temporary and trivial. And as much as I say I dont know what I want in the future… the only thing Im uncertain about it my career choice (even though I have that pretty narrowed down too). Besides that, I know exactly how I want my life to be.

I watched a movie last night with Stephen called Paris, Je Taime. The movie consisted of different short stories that take place in the City of Love. A lot were between lovers, but some were between parents and their children, divorcees, and even a woman in love with Paris itself. More than anything, that movie made me realize how much I really am just in love with… just about everything.

I sound cheesy now. But Im being honest. I know exactly what I want in life. I know how I want to spend it and who I want to spend it with. And Im pretty sure I know exactly how to get it too.

Well. I have school tomorrow… So I have to head to bed soon. Goodnight, world.

Pizza and a Movie

Ive always had an issue with being taken advantage of. I dont know… the idea of a thoughtful act being unappreciated makes me feel used. Ive experienced it a few times and each time I swore I wouldnt let it happen again. Maybe thats why I am so super-sensitive to it now…

I know its not a big deal. Its not even a deal to begin with. Its just my baggage. And an innate desire to protect myself.

Nonetheless… I shouldnt have gotten angry like I did. Whoops.

Anyways! Ive had an awesome weekend and plan to have a relaxing Sunday… so I am going to bed now. Goodnight.

This Week

So Ive been saying for a little while now that Im okay with where I am on my soccer team. At least thats what Ive been saying to other people. But I realized today… that no. I am NOT okay with my talent going to waste. This is my last season, and Im going to make every second of it count.

But, what more can I do? I work my butt off during every single practice, and talent-wise I keep up with all of the starters.

But… Im quiet. Im nice. Its only occured to me this week that its perfectly okay for me to challenge my teammates and actually TRY to beat them rather than just trying to practice with them. Like more than anything, I just need to get an attitude. I started it this week, and he noticed. I could tell by the way he looked at me during this game that he was contemplating putting me in. But, he didnt. Im not there yet, but Im pretty sure I know what to do now.

Second Guessing Even More

Hmm. I have this strange new feeling. Actually no. Its not exactly new. Its someting that I have been discovering in this past year or so which Ive never had to think about before. Its this new issue I have with… being unexceptional.

I dont know. I was always a pretty perfect kid. Academically I was top 10 in my middle school, got a 34 on my ACT and straight A’s for the most part. With soccer I had a starting position on club since 2nd grade, and promises of varsity playing time.  Socially, I was at the peak of popularity freshman and sophomore year. Even with the art that I keep so secret- my middle school awarded me the memorial art award.

I didnt do much, but what I did commit myself to, I was the best at. No exceptions. Looking back, I know it and others probably knew it too. My confidence soared because I knew that I had the motivation, the hard work, and the raw talent to be the best at what I wanted. I really did feel extraordinary.

Now… something has changed. In the past year Ive lost a lot of friends (maybe not real friends, but certainly Ive lost “popularity”). I was not accepted to half of the colleges I applied to. Ive met much more talented artists, and I cant get any playing time on the soccer team. Im not extraordinary anymore. I work just as hard, if not harder, at everything I do, but now I am what you would call pretty ordinary… pretty run-of-the-mill.

Im not saying being ordinary is bad… but Ive always felt the need to be different- to shine. My performance in those fields are seemingly dull though. I dont know. I guess before I was really lucky… I had such high hopes for myself in the future because I simply was the best. Now it is harder to see.

second guess this feeling

oh gosh. im in waaaay over my head right now.

 

but i kind of like it…

oh yes.

okay, i really need to stop complaining about things. my life is good. actually my life is great. i have so much going for me in every single aspect of my life that i couldnt possibly be able to anythng about positive about it. but somehow, as of late… ive been letting the negativity of the few things less than perfect affect me. and you know, thats not fair. i worded it pretty well in an earlier blog, but once you let negativity in, it not only starts to control your own life, but the lives of those around you. i mean, think about it: i have an awesome boyfriend. all he wants is for me to be happy. and he does make me incredibly happy. but maybe, sometimes he doesnt know that because all he hears is me bitching about my parents or soccer or college. if anything, my negativity affects him. it affects my soccer team- it only takes one person in a bad mood to bring the whole team down. it also affects my parents. things are hard on them, and it makes things a little hard on me, and vice versa.

i dont know. the point of this is to remind myself that i need to stop focusing on the thorns and see the rose’s beauty. i have a lot of love to give and i want people to know that.

Whatever

Im still waiting for that opportunity. Mr Wind played me for 55 fucking minutes at forward. Yeah, I shouldnt be complaining… Im playing, right? Well Im playing as a bullshit sub. You know waht that is? Its when the team is doing really well you stick a bullshit sub in so they dont complain about not getting playing time and maybe they can “prove” themselves to the coach.

Okay no. Im not exactly a bullshit sub. I went in before he decided that he was just going to bullshit the rest of the game. He legitimately put me in. At forward. Because since Im not one of his starters, he thinks I cant be trusted at midfield. I have asked him to play me at mid… I play there in practices and I have told all the of the assistant coachs that I really want an opportunity there. Buuut no.

Even when the game turned to a bullshit one, he kept me at forward. He actually put two of our real forwards at mid instead. One of them, it was maybe her 7th minute of playing time the entire season. She STILL got to play mid over me.

I dont know what Im supposed to do? I am trying so hard to prove myself. Even in this game… I wanted to show him I could play mid. And since he wouldnt put me there, I just started playing in the middle of the field. And when I was there, I was good! He even told me from the sideline that he liked what I was doing. Nevertheless, he kept me playing up front.

All Ive been asking for is that one chance. Then Ill stop complaining. Just onee chance.

Everything is Right

 Okay…

Everything about these last few days has been perfect. The way things worked out and gelled together so smoothly made it all seem like everything that happened was exactly how it was meant to be. The only thing that could have possibly stifled that perfection were hard memories being brought up. But surely enough, those memories are fading away and really dont affect my present life at all anymore. I mean, the love and trust that I get now and will get in the future keeps me from worrying about the past.

I know that last paragraph makes no sense. But it means a whole lot to me. It means that I am getting closer to living my life exactly how I want it to be. Yay!

Sweet lime feels like sleeping.