This Little Light

Love is what keeps me going. Its a general statement but so, so true. Whether between friends, family, lovers, or strangers… Love is what makes me believe in everything I believe.

I just have always felt like I am here for a reason, and now im starting to figure that reason out.

 

Better

I just realized something. This entire time, Ive been throwing a fit about moving. I cant stand the idea of it and Stephen very well knows that. But the entire time… Ive been counting on him to be the bigger person. Ive been whining and complaining, and expected him to be the strong guy and tell me that its all gonna be fine. And thats unfair.

Its not just about me anymore. Stephen is just as emotionally invested in me moving as I am. I cant expect him to be able to comfort me and be fine himself. I mean, if you think about it, Im the one leaving him, whether I want to or not.

I dont know what my point is for this post. I guess I feel kind of bad because Ive been a little selfish about this all.

No Se

I feel like I fucked things up a lot today. I dunno. I’ll say more tomorrow?

Yes

this is the suns birthday. this is the birthday of life and of love and wings

and the great gay happening illimitably earth.

 

how should tasting touching hearing seeing

breathing- any lifted from the no of all

nothing- human merely being doubt unimaginable you?

 

ee cummings

Ugh.

I wonder sometimes…

if I had been different growing up, would I be treated differently now?

If I blew of school like my brother, would my parents be so tough on me with college decisions? Would they require straight A’s like they do? Would they get mad at me for playing soccer and quiting band because I wont get scholarships?

If I cut myself like my sister, and dressed differently, and cried alot… would they say I was fragile and let me off the hook for throwing fits? Would it be okay for me to spend a lot of money on clothes and be reaaally into a social scene? Would it be okay that I spent so much time with my friends?

… was it a mistake for me to be so good growing up? Because now I feel restricted.

Sorry. Negativity. I need to stop with it.

Justify

I find it so hard to justify myself sometimes. I dont get the point of it. When someone asks me “Why?”, I could go into every small little detail to defend everything Ive been doing and feeling… but I just dont know why I have to.

Why cant I just be trusted to live how I want to? What does it matter that I dont go to prom with my “usual group of friends” or have “too close a relationship” with my boyfriend? Do people really think I just make decisions on a whim? Or might there be some actual thought and feeling behind my decisions?

Ive experienced things. Ive made mistakes, and Ive learned things. I KNOW what I feel. I KNOW what my decisions are, and all the ramifications of them. Im not blinded or naive anymore, and I still stand by my choices. That should be enough.

Being Invincible

Have I become soft?? Trust me, I am a happy person. I have things I love to do, friends I love to be with, and most of my life figured out. But… In the past week Ive cried twice. And once was in front of Stephen.

I never used to cry. Ever. The reason I am writing about this is because it feels so strange when I do. Almost like… its a weakness. Its something that makes me just like any other girl you’ve ever met in your life, who cant handle the real world. Every single time I do cry I regret doing so. Even when Im with Stephen.

No. Especially when Im with him. Shit. Like, he above all people should know that I am happy with him and happy with my life. But then I go an bring up the fucking move and begin having to blink back tears and swallow incessently to keep from breaking down. I shouldnt be doing that- thinking of the future and whats wrong with it. I need to live in the present for whats good.

If I always live for whats good, Ill never have to cry.

Plans

So everything Ive been talking about as being “so far away” is getting closer and closer. Its all real now. But the strange thing is… Im not as scared of it all as I was before.

I dont want to move to Houston, and leave my comfort zone in Chicago. But the more I think about it… if any relationship I have is worth holding on to, it’ll work out regardless of whether I stay here or live 5 states away. I dont have many relationships like that, but for the ones that are, Im not afraid of the work.

There is one thing I am afraid of, though. Losing sight. Being so isolated in New Orleans and Houston that I forget what I really want, and not have any old friends nearby to remind me what Ive been working for. I dont know. Quite simply, I dont really trust myself.

But Im going to try. If anything, the reason Im writing this is so I have something to look back on to remind myself why I am keeping the relationships I am, and what is really important to me.

Shit. For some reason I am getting a lump in my throat over this. I need to stop.