Lucky

Old diary entry I found from March 2007,

“I miss him a lot, but I could never tell him. For the first time, I am home and he is away. He never cared when I was away. He just kept on keeping on without me. Now Ive got to do the same… I want to text him so bad right now…I want him to show me that its okay for me to text him at 4 in the morning to tell him to come home and for him to respond that I am pretty or he was thinking of me. The thing is, I could never let that show because in reality, I dont think Id ever get that reassurance. For some reason, thats not what are relationship is about. I mean, I want it to be special, to just sit there and feel loved, but I cant anymore. I want my freckles or my voice or my smile to be more important than my legs or my breasts. I want the total irrationality of buying flowers for no other reason than ‘i love you’ to be okay. But I think the reality is none of that will happen. Its all so technical. I miss how it was. I miss him. But I cant text him right now because I think Id be setting myself up for disappointment. I dont get my point. Im crying. Maybe its the fact that I dont know. Anything. And I cant wear it on my sleeve.”

Sometimes, you think you are doing the right thing. You want so badly for something to be one way taht you forget how it actually is. For me, it lasted a year and a half. In a way, I have to thank Jay… I can assure you that I’ll never be in that kind of relationship again. But then again, I dont think taht matters because the relationship Im is totally perfect- Stephen is someone that I can randomly tell I love him and he can do the same back. Someone that I can text whenever, and tells me how pretty I am. Someone who believes that sex is a sacred thing, and loves me without it.

Stephen treats me like a princess. I dont think anyone has loved me as much as he does…

I dont know. Finding that entry made me angry at myself, and at Jay. But then it made me really happy. Im happy because Im not with Jay anymore. Im happy because I feel so lucky to be with Stephen. Im happy because my past doesnt matter anymore- all that matters is where life takes us.