So Much To Say

Ah. Logos. I meant to write something about it, but I find myself at a loss of where to start and what to say. Although I went into it with uncertainty as to what it would do for me… I came out completely sold on it.

Sure, I dont think I came out with 50 new friends. And no, I didnt change from a skeptic to a “Praise-the-Lord” hardcore Christian. There was certainly a handful of truly shallow people on this retreat that were just trying to outdo one another with their sob stories and convinced themselves that the only reason they dont have a relationship with God is because of time consuming college essays.

In between these people, however, were those that really came into Logos trying to find something. My main example is a guy named John. He and I were quite obviously the two most outspoken people in our group. I talked about how last spring I had been very unhappy- with soccer, my sister, Jay, with my friends, my decisions- but how I wanted to change myself. It turns out that I made that change happen, and now I couldnt be happier. John, on the other hand, talked about how he tries so hard to make others happy, that he neglects himself. He has had some hardships which make him think that he has to “play God” and care for others more than himself. He didnt think he was important.

Maybe it was the “Logos high” that got me, but regardless, I felt really moved by what he had said. So, I approached him about his situation one on one after a group talk. Even though I barely knew him, he needed know that he was loved. We kept talking after that, and by the end of the weekend, he had mentioned me in his letter to God, saying that I had helped him grow. The warmth I felt in that moment was unbelievable.

Logos didnt affect me in the way that it affects most people, because I went into more of a whole person than I have ever been. If anything, it made me realize how much I can give.

I wrote a letter to God that weekend, which captured how I felt perfectly. It sounded something along the lines of this:

Hi! I know that this is a new thing, and Im just getting used to letting you into my life, but I just wanted to tell you… thanks. You gave me amazing parents, who support me endlessly, but you also gave me an okay head on my shoulders to build myself where they cant. You gave me friends and mentors, like Stephen and Mr K, who help me make it through every day living. You sent me everything I could have asked for. And I know that all of this is not just by chance- you have plans for me.

With all I receive (most of which I probably dont deserve), I want nothing more than to return the favor, but it seems like nothing I do could ever balance the scale. It reminds me of a Relient K song: “How much is too much to give you? Well, I may never know, so Ill give till theres nothing left”. So, thats what I plan to do. Because of you, I want to support Anna, and be a good role model. You make me want to call Edward and tell him I love him. You make me want to hug my parents, share with my friends, respect my body, give to my world, and cherish life in every which way.

I have so many talents that you meant for me to give to the world. Now that I recognize it as such, Ill never stop. I am ready to shine my light on the world- thank you for that chance.

…I got to read this aloud at mass on Sunday, and when I did, I very nearly couldnt finish. I choked up towards the end, and then started silently crying when I realized that I had actually said all of that. Father Bob saw me cry, as did Kevin, and Mr. K for a second time that weekend. I didnt tell Stephen about this moment. I will, but not until after his Logos. I can honestly say that this was my single most memorable moment in Logos, but I dont want to affect Stephen’s experience by pressing my emotions on him.

I cant say that Logos changed me- my change was self-instigated months ago. But I it certainly helped me to realize a lot of things, and that I am grateful to have gone.

Okay. I am getting tired and I think you get the picture.

Goodnight