8 & 9

Mmm. Night with Kevin. Hanging out with him now makes me realize how much Ive changed as of late. I no longer have to pretend. I no longer have to justify myself. Im comfortable being honest like Ive never been before.

I dunno. I feel like Im right for once. Everything Im doing is right for me, and Im happy about it. And to have Kevin, who has seen me through all 4 years, backing me up in everything I do makes me feel even better.

“Well, it makes no sense to me… but you are very small, so okay.” – Treebeard the Endt.

Its Obvious

This is the first day that I have absolutely nothing to do. No homework, no sports, no nothing. I am SO excited! I have like 3 paintings lined right now. The ideas for them are just burned into my head so Im going at them today!

Also, something worth mentioning is my friendship with Kevin. We went to mass and Starbucks the other day, so we could chat about my Logos talk. As stagnant and sporadic my thoughts had been before, they were the complete opposite when I sat down with Kevin. Words simply poured out. Something about Kevin is totally comforting, understanding, and safe. He is critical without being mean and affectionate without being overbearing. I never quite realized it until recently, but his presence makes me happy. I guess the best way to describe him is as the male version of Christine- someone that I can rest assured will always be there for me. He is almost like a brother.

But yeah I put off his friendship because Jay didnt like him. I lost a lot of friendships on account Jay. Kevin and I managed to rekindle our relationship. I feel lucky to have Kevin as such a solid friend, and I plan to be the same for him! Oh. And he thinks Stephen is a good guy for me. I happen to agree.

PAINTING! Bye.

A Note From A Real Bumbling Idiot

Ah geez tonight I saw Sweeney Todd with Stephen and Christine. First off, the movie was great, however disturbing. And second, I love Christine. Since we met in 1st grade, we’ve been best friends. Ive had great times with her and Ive had strained times, but shes the only friend I have that has never gone away. She knows everything about me, and however much I try to explain why I am the way I am, nobody will ever know me like she does. Dont get me wrong- Stephen knows a ton and Ive confided more in him than anyone else, but I cant expect him to understand my past because he was never there. Christine has always been there. 

On a different note and totally out of chronological sequence, I have to explain Christmas Eve a little more fully. Stephen gave me a letter as part of my gift. It was sincere and touching and meant more to me than I think I conveyed to him. See, I was left speechless after reading it. As long as I had been dating Jay or known anyone for that matter, nobody has ever said anything so sincere. Im starting to think now that my silence was misunderstood… because part of his letter said something along the lines of “I dont usually share my feelings because I dont want to be met with lies and shallow truths”. Since I didnt have an answer to the letter, does that mean that I was trying to be “nice” by refusing to ”meet him with a shallow truth” by reciprocating the feelings? Damn even that doesnt make sense.

Im just disappointed in my own lack of emotion, because in that moment I could have cried. I almost did. But oh well, I had a dumb reaction. I just have to show him that what Im feeling is anything but a shallow lie. His words hit so deep that I didnt know how to react.

 I am off to bed now though.

Sweet dreams, Sweet lime.

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate The Positive

This week has definitely been interesting- it involved a lot of things and people that I genuinely love, and had I not promised myself to be optimistic these next few weeks, it might have been a little hard to deal with.

It started with the school basketball game, to which I was warmly welcomed by people who I wouldnt call my closest friends, but maybe I should, because they were glad I was there with them. I really felt like I was cared about there and it was a wonderful feeling.

Then, of course, was my date with Stephen. We went to see the Golden Compass, which has been an obsession of mine since I first read it in 7th grade, and the book I love so much was totally botched on the screen. It didnt matter though, because I was with someone who really takes me for me. The night could have been a total disaster, but it all seemed alright in the wake of the moment with him.

Saturday was a different story. Over the last few days I have poured my creativity out onto this mural. Its not just paint on a wall to me- but apparently it is to other people. After putting so much mental (and physical) energy into making the mural beautiful, it turned out less than I had wanted it to because of the constant arguing and getting nothing done. “The opposite of hate isn’t love- its creation” – RENT. There was some hate circulating with the paint thinner that day.

Later that night I was ditched by my best friend, Andrew. Lindsey and I were going to take him out to dinner for his birthday, a date that we had planned way in advance- but he decided to go bowling with this regular buddies instead. I pour love out to that kid, as does Lindsey, but it seems like we get shut down a lot. So, Lindsey and I hung out for a while, and I realized that although our friendship is completely unfounded- we have different lifestyles and different views- somehow we both know that we are solid friends for one another. We have each others’ backs whether we agree with each other or not. It was a good moment.

Then I saw my Lakeview friends. My gosh. They are people that are smart, nerdy, but totally free to express who they really are. Its amazing how comfortable I feel with these people because they are all so much like me. After a weekend full of highs and lows, I ended on a good note, able to let my guard down around old friends.

I gave out a lot of love this weekend, but not all of it was returned. Im alright with that though. You cant give love to feel it in return. You do it out of genuine care for something or someone. If anything, I feel lucky and safe and comfortable to have so many people in my life who matter to me, and thats enough to keep me going.