Its funny… I only ever think to come onto my wordpress when i am frustrated or sad or have a problem with something these days. Its like, if im having a good time and i like how things are, why put that on hold to write about it? Whereas if im sick of things and need a place to vent, I find myself mozying over to my computer to get my mind off things, then remember I have a blog that I can use to complain to. Its kind of like screaming into a pillow. I can get it out, yet nobody will hear me. Nobody reads these blogs… so i feel perfectly find being bitter and mean on them.

For the most part I know taht my complaints arent really justified, that I should look for the good in my life… and I do most of the time. It doesnt mean taht I dont have every right to vent, especially if no ones listening.

I guess if someone were to actually read my wordpress, theyd only see the worst of me.

A Big Splash

I

AM

SO

DAMN

BORED

I just made scones. SCONES. And cinnamon muffins, but since we didnt have a muffin tray, its more like a cinnamon cake. Im almost at 3 paintings in 4 days. Im not sad anymore. Im not lonely either. Alone, but not lonely. I am just tired of doing the same things again. And again. And again. I HAVE STARTED BROWSE YOUTUBE. My room is impeccably clean. I have an amazing tan. I am a great swimmer now- freestyle and backstroke. Ive learned to cook. But MY GOD I need a little more variation in my life. 

No, I think I just need someone here.

http://artamerica.com/a4s/hoc-big.jpg

            ^ I found this today. It feels very fitting.

Justify

I find it so hard to justify myself sometimes. I dont get the point of it. When someone asks me “Why?”, I could go into every small little detail to defend everything Ive been doing and feeling… but I just dont know why I have to.

Why cant I just be trusted to live how I want to? What does it matter that I dont go to prom with my “usual group of friends” or have “too close a relationship” with my boyfriend? Do people really think I just make decisions on a whim? Or might there be some actual thought and feeling behind my decisions?

Ive experienced things. Ive made mistakes, and Ive learned things. I KNOW what I feel. I KNOW what my decisions are, and all the ramifications of them. Im not blinded or naive anymore, and I still stand by my choices. That should be enough.

Being Invincible

Have I become soft?? Trust me, I am a happy person. I have things I love to do, friends I love to be with, and most of my life figured out. But… In the past week Ive cried twice. And once was in front of Stephen.

I never used to cry. Ever. The reason I am writing about this is because it feels so strange when I do. Almost like… its a weakness. Its something that makes me just like any other girl you’ve ever met in your life, who cant handle the real world. Every single time I do cry I regret doing so. Even when Im with Stephen.

No. Especially when Im with him. Shit. Like, he above all people should know that I am happy with him and happy with my life. But then I go an bring up the fucking move and begin having to blink back tears and swallow incessently to keep from breaking down. I shouldnt be doing that- thinking of the future and whats wrong with it. I need to live in the present for whats good.

If I always live for whats good, Ill never have to cry.

Plans

So everything Ive been talking about as being “so far away” is getting closer and closer. Its all real now. But the strange thing is… Im not as scared of it all as I was before.

I dont want to move to Houston, and leave my comfort zone in Chicago. But the more I think about it… if any relationship I have is worth holding on to, it’ll work out regardless of whether I stay here or live 5 states away. I dont have many relationships like that, but for the ones that are, Im not afraid of the work.

There is one thing I am afraid of, though. Losing sight. Being so isolated in New Orleans and Houston that I forget what I really want, and not have any old friends nearby to remind me what Ive been working for. I dont know. Quite simply, I dont really trust myself.

But Im going to try. If anything, the reason Im writing this is so I have something to look back on to remind myself why I am keeping the relationships I am, and what is really important to me.

Shit. For some reason I am getting a lump in my throat over this. I need to stop.

 

Second Guessing Even More

Hmm. I have this strange new feeling. Actually no. Its not exactly new. Its someting that I have been discovering in this past year or so which Ive never had to think about before. Its this new issue I have with… being unexceptional.

I dont know. I was always a pretty perfect kid. Academically I was top 10 in my middle school, got a 34 on my ACT and straight A’s for the most part. With soccer I had a starting position on club since 2nd grade, and promises of varsity playing time.  Socially, I was at the peak of popularity freshman and sophomore year. Even with the art that I keep so secret- my middle school awarded me the memorial art award.

I didnt do much, but what I did commit myself to, I was the best at. No exceptions. Looking back, I know it and others probably knew it too. My confidence soared because I knew that I had the motivation, the hard work, and the raw talent to be the best at what I wanted. I really did feel extraordinary.

Now… something has changed. In the past year Ive lost a lot of friends (maybe not real friends, but certainly Ive lost “popularity”). I was not accepted to half of the colleges I applied to. Ive met much more talented artists, and I cant get any playing time on the soccer team. Im not extraordinary anymore. I work just as hard, if not harder, at everything I do, but now I am what you would call pretty ordinary… pretty run-of-the-mill.

Im not saying being ordinary is bad… but Ive always felt the need to be different- to shine. My performance in those fields are seemingly dull though. I dont know. I guess before I was really lucky… I had such high hopes for myself in the future because I simply was the best. Now it is harder to see.

second guess this feeling

oh gosh. im in waaaay over my head right now.

 

but i kind of like it…

oh yes.

okay, i really need to stop complaining about things. my life is good. actually my life is great. i have so much going for me in every single aspect of my life that i couldnt possibly be able to anythng about positive about it. but somehow, as of late… ive been letting the negativity of the few things less than perfect affect me. and you know, thats not fair. i worded it pretty well in an earlier blog, but once you let negativity in, it not only starts to control your own life, but the lives of those around you. i mean, think about it: i have an awesome boyfriend. all he wants is for me to be happy. and he does make me incredibly happy. but maybe, sometimes he doesnt know that because all he hears is me bitching about my parents or soccer or college. if anything, my negativity affects him. it affects my soccer team- it only takes one person in a bad mood to bring the whole team down. it also affects my parents. things are hard on them, and it makes things a little hard on me, and vice versa.

i dont know. the point of this is to remind myself that i need to stop focusing on the thorns and see the rose’s beauty. i have a lot of love to give and i want people to know that.

Save Tonight

The reminders are everywhere. Every time I come home, I think of it. I cant help it.

Im trying not to talk about it. It doesnt accomplish anything, and makes it harder on others. But hell, it bugs me.

Gotta go play a soccer game.

Okay Heres a Nice Random Thought For the Day

Okay. So bad things happen to good people. We all know that. There are people who are really nice, live their life to the fullest, etc., who happen to have something bad happen to them. And when that tragedy occurs, we say that it is unfair becuase they are the ____est person in the world- they are the sweetest, friendliest, most humble person ever, and they dont deserve the pain brought upon them. I absolutely know and respect that.

 But has it ever occurred to anyone that sometimes good things can happen to good people too? Why do we only recognize the goodness in people when something goes badly for them? I dont want this to come off cold-hearted… becasue thats not how I feel. I just think that we would be better seeing the goodness- the sweetness, friendliness, and humility of the people around us in itself, and not just in the light of some other tragedy.

What do you think?