Relieved.

so i finally told stephen about jay- the whole truth about him. i was really afraid to. my body got hot and sweaty and i could barely form words. but my secret… the past that i so much regret, what finally revealed.

now?

i feel so relieved. is obvious simply in the amount of times that ive talked about jay in these blogs that as much as i try to forget him, what we did still bothers me. and on the other side, i could tell that it bothered stephen that someone was there before i was. nothing had ever been spoken about it, and although there was never tension between us, it secretly hurt each of us personally.

now that the truth is out, we can both be at peace… because we KNOW what happened, we can ACCEPT it, and we can MOVE ON. it doesnt matter anymore. and neither of us will be bothered by it.

nice

Lucky

Old diary entry I found from March 2007,

“I miss him a lot, but I could never tell him. For the first time, I am home and he is away. He never cared when I was away. He just kept on keeping on without me. Now Ive got to do the same… I want to text him so bad right now…I want him to show me that its okay for me to text him at 4 in the morning to tell him to come home and for him to respond that I am pretty or he was thinking of me. The thing is, I could never let that show because in reality, I dont think Id ever get that reassurance. For some reason, thats not what are relationship is about. I mean, I want it to be special, to just sit there and feel loved, but I cant anymore. I want my freckles or my voice or my smile to be more important than my legs or my breasts. I want the total irrationality of buying flowers for no other reason than ‘i love you’ to be okay. But I think the reality is none of that will happen. Its all so technical. I miss how it was. I miss him. But I cant text him right now because I think Id be setting myself up for disappointment. I dont get my point. Im crying. Maybe its the fact that I dont know. Anything. And I cant wear it on my sleeve.”

Sometimes, you think you are doing the right thing. You want so badly for something to be one way taht you forget how it actually is. For me, it lasted a year and a half. In a way, I have to thank Jay… I can assure you that I’ll never be in that kind of relationship again. But then again, I dont think taht matters because the relationship Im is totally perfect- Stephen is someone that I can randomly tell I love him and he can do the same back. Someone that I can text whenever, and tells me how pretty I am. Someone who believes that sex is a sacred thing, and loves me without it.

Stephen treats me like a princess. I dont think anyone has loved me as much as he does…

I dont know. Finding that entry made me angry at myself, and at Jay. But then it made me really happy. Im happy because Im not with Jay anymore. Im happy because I feel so lucky to be with Stephen. Im happy because my past doesnt matter anymore- all that matters is where life takes us.

The Great Wall Of Chocolate

Am I an unconfident person? I never thought so before. I always thought I was just realistic. But tonight Stephen was just saying the most wonderful things about me, and I just didnt see it. It almost brought me to tears that I couldnt see my worth in his life. But honest to God, I think he deserves better.

Like seriously I wasnt trying to fish for compliments, and I was so close to not saying anything because I knew it would come off like that. But fuck. Seriously. Theres not much thats special about me. At least, not as special as he makes it out to be. All I could think about was other people, like Vicky for God’s sake, who could love and support him as much as I do, but are more his type- more musical, more outspoken, more spontaneous.

I love my life, but there is no doubt that its completely amuck. I dont know anything about anything. Theres no way I can give clarity to someone else if I dont even have it myself.

Thats all Im saying.

It didnt help that we got into that conversation becuase I was trying to change the subject away from another sensitive subject- my past decisions. I will never let the past ruin my present or future, but theres no doubt that I did things that I will never be able to take back. Nonetheless, I have to deal with it. I have to lay it out for everyone to see and say, “Yes, I made a mistake and it was a big one, but I am trying to start over”.

I sound like a depressing bum. In reality, I am as happy as can be! Im just being sincere.

But yeah. Goodnight world.

I’m On Fire

I think Jay has stopped talking to me altogether. No texts, no calls, nothing. Ive tried, but I dont get a response.

In a way, Im relieved. I think he’s finally realized that I might have been his first love, but I wont be his only one. I hope he is moving on to bigger and better things.

Its a shame though. I just think of what happened to Stephen with his old girlfriend, and how they arent a part of each others lives at all anymore. I didnt want that to happen to Jay and me. I mean, I spent a year and a half with him. I gave a lot to him. Its hard to think that all of that is just flushed away and in the past. Like I told Stephen, I dont understand how you can just stop caring about someone after been so invested in their life for so long.

But whatever. I want whats best for him… and if he thinks that is keeping his distance, then hey, thats fine. I guess its harder to be “just friends” than I thought.

Wow, this all sounds so sad and sappy, which is not how I feel at all! The truth is, my heart is overflowing, and I have a lot of love to give. Im delighted with everything. And I am getting a big warm hug from Stephen tomorrow, so I cant wait.

Goodnight, world.

What Do I Do? (Part Two)

I just got a series of texts from my brother’s best friend about 30 seconds ago:

We should hang out sometime.

Im thinkin I really have something to say…

We’ll have coffee and Ill explain

… did you ever like me?

What the hell do you do when your brother’s best friend sends you texts like that? Ignore them? Tell your brother? Go to coffee? Ill be easier to deny this guy than it will be with Jay, but its still frustrating.

What Do I Do?

I tried telling Jay about Stephen today. And vice versa actually. Niether worked.

First off, Jay came over to visit. He mainly just tailed me around my house as I did different chores and made myself food, telling me all his drunk stories. I tried to tell him about Stephen, but when Jay gets talking, theres no stopping him. After an hour or so when Jay had to leave, he tried to kiss me. I pulled away. He gave me a puzzled look.

“Jay, you are not my boyfriend anymore. You need to move on” I meant to continue about Stephen, but before I could Jay muttered “Whatever” and left.

This is my problem. I almost broke up with Jay at one point last spring. He was devastated by our fight and slashed his knuckles with a pocket knife. It might be part of the reason I didnt break up with him then. This was in the wake of my sister’s cutting issues too. If me denying him a kiss made him storm out of my house, I cant imagine what telling him I have a new boyfriend would make him do.

On the flip side, I lamely called Stephen to tell him about how I am still having issues with Jay. The words werent coming out easily for me and by the time that I had uttered all I needed to to Stephen, the call was dropped. My initial thought was that Stephen was angry and hung up, but then he called back right away and pretended like that last phone call never happened. Soo that was that.

I feel like an idiot. I really dont want Jay to do something unhealthy, but I dont want to compromise anything with Stephen. Im not exactly sure how I should handle this.