Okay.

Turnabout 2008. It was great. And its hard for me to sound excited about it now because… well, this morning I woke up to a text from Stephen saying he finally had a picutre of us two. And then I came to my desk and I saw the picture of Jay and I, and thought of how its time to replace that… and I started to think. 

Turnabout last year was different. There was no dancing, and no real happiness. We left early, and didnt go to an after party. Then I went home and cried. I couldnt help it. I wasnt so much sad, as I felt stuck. Looking back on my relationship with Jay now, all I remember makes me bitter. I see me not caring. I see how lowly I thought of myself because Jay would point out my flaws. I see me not really being… me.

I cant help myself- I constantly compare what I have with Stephen to what it was like with Jay. Things are better, but it doesnt make me feel better. I dont know. I just have this twinge of discomfort. I mean, Jay and I were happy to begin with, right? But I didnt realize how unhappy our relationship really was until recently. I was blinded, I guess. So once in a while, that I get afraid that all this love and happiness I feel with Stephen will slowly turn into monotony and detachment.

So, thats my confession. I told Stephen I dont live in the past, but I guess I do. Jay is like a scar. Like I told Kevin today at mass, I gave him something Ill never get back. And it bites at me. Thats also where my insecurity comes from- my inability to let go of my baggage. It hurts even more now because I know that all of this is unfair to Stephen, and Id never have the courage to lay it all down in front of him to get it off my chest.

I am trying though. Thats what my senior year has been- me starting fresh. Im a new person now, with new ideals and new passions. I am trying so hard to wipe my slate clean… its just something Im stilll working on.

Seriously, the weekend has been fantastic… Its just that my thoughts get me down. And the fact that I think them in the first place gets me even more down. I dont know. I promised myself at mass today that I could have my time to mope over it, but then once I got the words out of me, I would let it go and carry on. Im going to try and not let it bother me now.

So Im done.