Back, Finally

Its been a while since I wrote something on WordPress. Its not that I didnt feel like writing, its just that I didnt have the opportunity to. I was working as a live-in nanny of sorts this past month, and when I had the time to think of what I wanted to talk about, I rarely had access to a computer. I barely had enough time to check my email every day. And before that, I was too caught up in the whole moving/packing process to feel anything. But now here I am, down in Houston. I have all the time in the world now… absolutely nothing to do.

Its weird down here. On one side, our house is beautiful and almost like a paradise hotel with the flowers and palm trees and pool and hot tub and what not. I have a very secluded room with my own bathroom and plenty of space to recreate my old bedroom. I should be so happy here- I should feel like I have no worries in the world. At the same time though, Im REALLY secluded. I cant drive, dont have canvases to paint, have no contact with the outside world, and most importantly, dont have my boyfriend around. I have been trying to keep my mind off of how lonely I really feel by keeping myself busy with unpacking and swimming and college stuff.

And thats where the dilemma is…. I dont know whether Im supposed to be busy or calm. Stephen told me I should treat my home like its a vacation. But its my home. Ive been working myself to death to make it feel like home. I could sit out all day by the pool, but then I start thinking about how I should probably arrange my desk or something. I dont know. I keep going between being busy and having nothing to do. I get anxious really easily. I dont talk much, because I know I come off as being paranoid and anal to my family. Ed’s caught on to that… he is having a blast with it.

Thats during the day. At night I just get lonely. Stephen told me about he was out with his friends, laser tagging and playing ping pong and eating at the restaurants we used to go to all the time. Im not jealous or angry with him over it…. I just feel lonely. I wish that I had something else to do. But I cant leave this house. All I have is right in front of me… I have no escape. Im so happy that he has things to do, because I know my leaving was really hard on him. I just wish I could be with him.

I dont think my mom is catching on to how Im feeling, either. Shes made comments about how her main concern is Anna, which I totally understand, since she is the one that is staying here in the long run and has to make friends and be comfortable. And her happiness really is my priority. But… she IS happy. She seems it, then I also accidentally stumbled across a journal entry she typed on my computer which confirms it.

My mom has also mentioned more than once to me on how Edward is a troubled soul right now. I dont know. Yesterday he got really mad at me because I didnt understand his question, and he thought I was being stupid about it. Then today while I was online buying textbooks, I was ignoring him poking me. He left to go into the pool and my mom said that Edward was reaching out to me and I was shutting him down. Apparently I was supposed to respond to his poking. And she tried to make me feel guilty that he was in the pool by himself, like I was supposed to drop everything I was doing to go in with him (I did the night before for a good hour). She thinks that he is so troubled and so lonely, and that I am supposed to be fine. Nobody comes in the pool with me. If I poked him he’d break my fingers.

On another note, Im concerned with my body too. I cant run here, unless I find a YMCA to go to. Even at 7 in the morning, it is unsafe to run because of the heat. I can swim, but thats about it. Edward told me I was fat yesterday when I aggravated him. I know thats just what brothers do, but this was different. This was one of the leaned in close, wide eyed, articulated, below the belt comments: “You are fat, Harriet”. I guess that I could tell from his tone of voice that he meant to really insult me by telling me the unspoken truth. And on top of that, I had the eight year old I babysat for conversationally tell me I was chubby twice. I mean, I never thought I was fat… I run every or every other day, eat well, and stay active… but maybe I am. Maybe Im just used to seeing myself in a mirror. And then, who do I ask for the truth? My mom, who is a size 14? Stephen? No, they wouldnt tell the truth.

Stephen is trying really hard to make me happy. He sends me texts and is making a care package and gave me pictures… and he has listened to me cry on the phone and rant about this place. He really is being there for me, and it means a lot. But that the same time, its not making me happier, per say. Its comforting to hear from him, but right now its just making me feel more alone. I want so badly to be happy, for his sake. But I can seem to find the strength to take things into my own hands. All the opportunities seem to be avoiding me.

Im trying to be tough. Im trying to figure it out.

So Tempted.

It would be so easy for me to up and leave right now. Just drop everything I have going and go somewhere new. I have just enough in the bank to get a ticket whereever I want, get a job, start a new life. Who says I have to go to Tulane? I could just get regular working class job and be totally happy. In Japan, the economy is set up so a student can work a parttime job and pay for an apartment at the same time.

I live in a world of absolute bullshit.

But then again, Ill be free of all this in 2 weeks. Then I’ll be working far far away from my house, and then ill be at college. If I didnt have that as a little comfort thing, I would be very tempted to just leave home right now.

Fuck.

My New Art Page

For anyone that may read this, Ive finally put my artwork online. Stephen encouraged me to do so, and Im glad he did.

http://harrietecb.deviantart.com/

That is where my gallery is. I also will probably start a separate blog when I have the motivation to make one… so stay tuned.

Thanks…

Mmm. Fathers Day.

I love my dad. He may be short tempered and complainy, but who am I kidding… so am I. I see myself showing all the same traits that he does. I deal with things nearly the same way. And when it comes down to it… We are both pretty artsy, right brained people who have the motivation enter into a highly analytical field of study. We are well rounded. My dad could answer any question I had about science or math in a split second… and at the same time there is no one I would rather had a discussion about music with.

My dad tries really hard to make sure I appreciate a wide range of things. He advocates me going to concerts, is very concerned with my academics, encourages me to travel and appreciate different cultures, keeps me updated on soccer games, TRIES to show me how to cook (I fall short on that on). When I really think about it, he has helped me expand my horizon, and he does it all by example. I am just starting to appreciate that.

 

Stupid

Something happened today that has never really happened before. I cried at first… but now I dont know how to react.

Maybe I did deserve it? I mean… if I were a guy that insulted another guy, it might perfectly merited. Why should it change just because Im a girl? I dont know… I almost feel like I have no right to be upset about it. An eye for an eye, right?  I admit that the confrontation was my fault. I felt my dignity being threatened to I insulted below the belt. Maybe I had it coming.

They will have forgotten about it by tomorrow. Everyone else is going to let it go. Maybe I should too. He did apologize eventually…

I dont know. If anyone reads this and thinks that my family is really fucked up and I need help… dont. People in my family just have too much pride sometimes.

 

Better

I just realized something. This entire time, Ive been throwing a fit about moving. I cant stand the idea of it and Stephen very well knows that. But the entire time… Ive been counting on him to be the bigger person. Ive been whining and complaining, and expected him to be the strong guy and tell me that its all gonna be fine. And thats unfair.

Its not just about me anymore. Stephen is just as emotionally invested in me moving as I am. I cant expect him to be able to comfort me and be fine himself. I mean, if you think about it, Im the one leaving him, whether I want to or not.

I dont know what my point is for this post. I guess I feel kind of bad because Ive been a little selfish about this all.

No Se

I feel like I fucked things up a lot today. I dunno. I’ll say more tomorrow?

Yes

this is the suns birthday. this is the birthday of life and of love and wings

and the great gay happening illimitably earth.

 

how should tasting touching hearing seeing

breathing- any lifted from the no of all

nothing- human merely being doubt unimaginable you?

 

ee cummings

Ugh.

I wonder sometimes…

if I had been different growing up, would I be treated differently now?

If I blew of school like my brother, would my parents be so tough on me with college decisions? Would they require straight A’s like they do? Would they get mad at me for playing soccer and quiting band because I wont get scholarships?

If I cut myself like my sister, and dressed differently, and cried alot… would they say I was fragile and let me off the hook for throwing fits? Would it be okay for me to spend a lot of money on clothes and be reaaally into a social scene? Would it be okay that I spent so much time with my friends?

… was it a mistake for me to be so good growing up? Because now I feel restricted.

Sorry. Negativity. I need to stop with it.

Pizza and a Movie

Ive always had an issue with being taken advantage of. I dont know… the idea of a thoughtful act being unappreciated makes me feel used. Ive experienced it a few times and each time I swore I wouldnt let it happen again. Maybe thats why I am so super-sensitive to it now…

I know its not a big deal. Its not even a deal to begin with. Its just my baggage. And an innate desire to protect myself.

Nonetheless… I shouldnt have gotten angry like I did. Whoops.

Anyways! Ive had an awesome weekend and plan to have a relaxing Sunday… so I am going to bed now. Goodnight.